we ain't we...it's me and her....

After the new years incident with that chick, I questioned my sexuality heavily. As long as I could remember I always thought about women like that, and for the longest time I assumed everyone thought like I did. When I found out that my thoughts were....not normal, I just kept it all to myself and tried to go with the flow of what was "right", you know, just dating guys. But then I hooked up with this random girl at new years and I figured I should quit trying to kid myself. I took weird internet quizzes and caused myself a lot of anxiety thinking about my sexuality. I should have gotten myself a hobby.

But I didn't. Instead, I posted an ad on craigslist, outlining what I wanted in a girlfriend and my own personal traits. I thought that maybe I could really figure it out if I was in a relationship with a girl. I had no idea....I had no idea that I would learn a lot more about myself than just my sexuality.

I got one response. And the picture of the girl...or man, or whatever it was, was so disturbing to me that I was slapped with the reality of lesbianism and wanted nothing more to do with it. I couldn't picture myself being romantic with....that. no. But then I got another response. There was no picture attached, but the chick seemed level-headed enough, not creepy, so I wrote back. And that was the beginning.

Renay was her name. I waited with bated breath to get her reply emails, so excited to see if we held the same interests, to see what she liked and disliked, all that preliminary stuff. We wrote back and forth for about a week, I guess, and then she gave me her phone number. I was ecstatic. I waited a couple hours to call as not to seem desperate. That first night we talked for about 8 hours. I never EVER spent that much time on the phone with anyone. Ever. I really liked the way she came off, she sounded really strong willed, strong minded. She made me laugh hysterically. I liked her right off the bat.

And for the next 2 weeks we talked on the phone like that every night. We talked for hours, in an attempt to learn each other. I felt so in love so early. I don't know how that happened. I wanted to talk to her every free moment I had. And that's exactly what I did. I told her I loved her after we talked for about a week or so....I felt soooo stupid, but I also thought I couldn't help the way I felt. And if I had of known it was going to come back and slap me in the face like it did, I would have kept my feelings to myself like I normally do.

I drove up to Philadelphia from Harrisburg, a 2-hr drive from where I lived at the time, to see her in the middle of a snowstorm. I was desperate to see her. To finally put an actual face to the person that I had managed to fall in love with over the phone had my heart racing. And she was everything she was in her facebook pictures, only more beautiful if such a thing was possible. I was astounded, and my heart felt like it was going to pound right out of my chest when I was first next to her. You would have thought I had met my celebrity crush. It took me a while to calm down and when I did, we connected on a physical level. I have never been so physically attracted to anyone.

Everything was so perfect with us to start with. We still talked on the phone non-stop. When I came to see her, tears filled my eyes when it was time to leave. I loved her with every ounce of love that I thought I possessed. We talked about the future. And the more we talked, the more it showed that we had different goals and we wanted different things at that point in time. And it manifested in other aspects of the relationship. Every other aspect. Except the bedroom.

We had our differences. But our first big spat came from my unwillingness to be open. I've always had a hard time communicating in relationships, and nothing was any different with Renay, despite how comfortable I was with her in all other aspects. She yelled at me like I was a dog, called me a liar because there was no way I could love her and not be open with her. And she told me that she didn't want to see me again. But I knew it wasn't over. I was going through a lot with my dad at the time and I left his house, but I thought moving closer to her would fix everything. I found other justifications for my move when people asked me, but at the end of the day, I couldn't lie to myself. I moved to Philly for her. (Thankfully now, I found plenty of reasons to stay, but she evoked the move.) And it worked. We started talking again, and she criticized me for moving so hastily, not knowing the move was for her, but she loved having me closer. We spent every day together. Wake up next to her, fall asleep next to her, go to work, come home to her...it was great. We still had our rough patches, but it was great.

I wanted it to work because the good feelings that I possessed, I was afraid that I could never feel for anyone else. I'm still afraid of that today, even now that I don't have her anymore. And I remember her telling me that I can't live in fear of such things.

Then more problems arose. There was a 7 year age gap between us. She constantly told me I was immature. It could be the simplest disagreement (She wanted burgers, I wanted spaghetti, I was immature.) She told me that I'm not as much of an adult as I would like to think I am. She told me that it seemed that all I wanted was sex from her, and she wasn't going to continue to feel like a whore. She called me a liar because she felt I was just pouring out my heart to her to be funny. She said I had not been the same person that she talked to for hours on the phone and she was trying to find in me what existed on the phone, but she couldn't. She told me she felt like she was the teacher and I was the student and she doesn't have time to take me by the hand and show me life. She said she loved me, but wasn't in love with me.

And no matter how much protesting I did to her accusations of my character and my feelings toward her, her mind was already made up and backed up with examples, bullshit examples, but examples nonetheless. And I couldn't chalk it up to anything else but that she was right, in her own mind and there was no convincing her of otherwise. This hoe was crazy.

I have a lot of things from my childhood that plague me. And, though she was crazy, being in a relationship with Renay really made me see that. Her words made me think back on all my relationships and wonder if it was not my own character flaws that caused the demise. I have a lot I need to let go of in order to be open with anyone else. See, the thing about me is that I don't say much, and I've concluded that I'm quiet because I'm so afraid that something will come out that I don't want anyone to know.

I'm sorry I made her feel like shit. I'm sorry I reminded her of other relationships. All I wanted to do (upon figuring out that I was crazy about her) is make her feel like the most special person in the whole world. I wanted to give her all my heart, and be her comfort and backbone for the rest of our lives. But I obviously can't give the kind of love i want to if I'm so unhappy with so much of myself.

I will always love her...and if nothing else, I'll never forget her.