I left Renay with so much off my chest....and so much on my mind to rectify about myself. But I didn't leave her before getting tangled up with someone else.
I've never been one to cheat, but in my head, Renay and I were already over. It was my heart that was still hanging on, making her dinner, putting up with all the things that upset me and made me feel like I was less than a person. I wanted us to work because I managed to fall madly in love with her, but I wanted her to break up with me, because I knew breaking up with her would not have been an option. She had proven to me how crazy she was and I was afraid of what would've happened if I'd broken up with her, so it was just a lot easier for me to sneak and creep.
Patty had just graduated law school. She had a job that she didn't mind going to and she lived with her parents. She was on the opposite end of the spectrum of Renay in a lot or respects, but she still held a certain dominance that I seem to be drawn to.
I enjoyed Patty's company. She'd come see me after work, we'd have dinner, watch tv or a movie and then she'd leave. But it wasn't long before I became scared that we had developed a sort of friends with benefits type deal. I didn't want that. I wanted the ideal sort of relationship that I didn't get with Renay. I thought it was fully attainable with Patty, she was level-headed, we loved the same shows and music, she was really cool. There was no pressure to be a certain way or do anything. But for the longest time, she'd come over, we'd have sex and then she'd leave. And that disturbed me.
Then she got accepted to law school in vermont. She told me and I was devastated. But she encouraged me to come visit and laid out her semester schedule so I'd know good weekends to come up. I was excited for that. At least she didn't just want to leave me.But then her mind changed, and she didn't go to law school. I was really happy for that, obviously for my own selfish reasons. And then we started spending a lot of time together. I saw her more in 1 week than I had in our entire dating period.
And after about 2 weeks of seeing each other regularly, I had to know if we were exclusive. I'm not sure why I was so eager to know this, but I was, and I became even more excited when I found out we were. Once again, I had someone to treat like a princess.
But now...I wish I hadn't been so curious to know if we were exclusive. Curiosity killed the cat, and it's sure as hell killing this relationship...
2 weeks ago, we went to a soccer game. The Philadelphia Union. I had never been to a soccer game before and we were having a nice enough time. Then she got in touch with some friends of hers who were also at the soccer game. They had better (and extra) seats, so we went down with them. But prior to sitting with them, I had to get a briefing: If anyone asked, we're just friends, having met thru a mutual friend. Because she's not out to them.
I felt like I got kicked in the stomach.What the fuck. I could barely agree to the story, I was so floored by the whole lie.
She had told me she wasn't out to anyone, and I was cool with that. Then. But I guess when the reality of her not being out actually hit, I felt entirely different. When her and I were together, I didn't even think about her not being out. Even in public, she was all over me....but then again, she was drinking....
I didn't like being put in the middle of a lie, and I'm quite sure her friend could tell I was gay even if they thought Patty wasn't. I was completely uncomfortable and stayed quiet for the rest of the game except when spoken to. Maybe Patty picked up on that, maybe she was too wrapped up in her own thoughts of how long she could keep lying to people about who I am, I don't know, but for the remainder of the night she was totally aloof. I could tell something was wrong with her, but she made no mention of it.
And for an entire week after that, I didn't see her and barely talked to her. I was totally heartbroken, and I thought for sure that the next time I talked to her, she was going to be calling us quits. But we got together again, and had just a good a time as we always do...but now it's been another few days and I've barely talked to her and haven't seen her...
I try to make light of the situation. I need to use my time alone to make friends, work on my own self-rectification, all that kind of thing, but it's hard.
With Renay, I always knew I could have her. When we were both done with work, we came back to each other, no matter what. But I also was not doing things that made me happy, I had no freedom to do anything even if I wanted.
I hate to compare the 2, but....I think I'm still in love with Renay. And in all my moments of loneliness, she's all I think about. I'm afraid if a hott enough guy, or even a hotter chick approaches Patty, she'll leave me and then I'll be consumed by thoughts of Renay and I'll spend an endless amount of time being pissed off.
Making friends is hard here. People aren't friendly. If you haven't been in their clique since preschool, you can forget it. And it hurts me that Patty knows that so she takes full advantage of it. She knows I don't have any friends and I can hang out whenever she wants to, so she's just hanging out whenever it's easiest for her. I hate depending on someone for fun. Renay never did that to me.
I've hooked up with other people, but that only takes my mind off either of them for the hour or weekend or however long I'm with the other person.
I've got to stop comparing them...
Or even better still, maybe I need to practice being alone. (as if I don't get enough alone time when I don't see Patty) But it's hard. I don't have any friends, and it's so much easier (for me) to connect with someone romantically instead of platonic-ally. (<---is that a word? lol) How did I forget how to make friends? When did I become one of those girls I always used to talk about, the kind that can't go any length of time without being in a relationship?
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