I left Renay with so much off my chest....and so much on my mind to rectify about myself. But I didn't leave her before getting tangled up with someone else.
I've never been one to cheat, but in my head, Renay and I were already over. It was my heart that was still hanging on, making her dinner, putting up with all the things that upset me and made me feel like I was less than a person. I wanted us to work because I managed to fall madly in love with her, but I wanted her to break up with me, because I knew breaking up with her would not have been an option. She had proven to me how crazy she was and I was afraid of what would've happened if I'd broken up with her, so it was just a lot easier for me to sneak and creep.
Patty had just graduated law school. She had a job that she didn't mind going to and she lived with her parents. She was on the opposite end of the spectrum of Renay in a lot or respects, but she still held a certain dominance that I seem to be drawn to.
I enjoyed Patty's company. She'd come see me after work, we'd have dinner, watch tv or a movie and then she'd leave. But it wasn't long before I became scared that we had developed a sort of friends with benefits type deal. I didn't want that. I wanted the ideal sort of relationship that I didn't get with Renay. I thought it was fully attainable with Patty, she was level-headed, we loved the same shows and music, she was really cool. There was no pressure to be a certain way or do anything. But for the longest time, she'd come over, we'd have sex and then she'd leave. And that disturbed me.
Then she got accepted to law school in vermont. She told me and I was devastated. But she encouraged me to come visit and laid out her semester schedule so I'd know good weekends to come up. I was excited for that. At least she didn't just want to leave me.But then her mind changed, and she didn't go to law school. I was really happy for that, obviously for my own selfish reasons. And then we started spending a lot of time together. I saw her more in 1 week than I had in our entire dating period.
And after about 2 weeks of seeing each other regularly, I had to know if we were exclusive. I'm not sure why I was so eager to know this, but I was, and I became even more excited when I found out we were. Once again, I had someone to treat like a princess.
But now...I wish I hadn't been so curious to know if we were exclusive. Curiosity killed the cat, and it's sure as hell killing this relationship...
2 weeks ago, we went to a soccer game. The Philadelphia Union. I had never been to a soccer game before and we were having a nice enough time. Then she got in touch with some friends of hers who were also at the soccer game. They had better (and extra) seats, so we went down with them. But prior to sitting with them, I had to get a briefing: If anyone asked, we're just friends, having met thru a mutual friend. Because she's not out to them.
I felt like I got kicked in the stomach.What the fuck. I could barely agree to the story, I was so floored by the whole lie.
She had told me she wasn't out to anyone, and I was cool with that. Then. But I guess when the reality of her not being out actually hit, I felt entirely different. When her and I were together, I didn't even think about her not being out. Even in public, she was all over me....but then again, she was drinking....
I didn't like being put in the middle of a lie, and I'm quite sure her friend could tell I was gay even if they thought Patty wasn't. I was completely uncomfortable and stayed quiet for the rest of the game except when spoken to. Maybe Patty picked up on that, maybe she was too wrapped up in her own thoughts of how long she could keep lying to people about who I am, I don't know, but for the remainder of the night she was totally aloof. I could tell something was wrong with her, but she made no mention of it.
And for an entire week after that, I didn't see her and barely talked to her. I was totally heartbroken, and I thought for sure that the next time I talked to her, she was going to be calling us quits. But we got together again, and had just a good a time as we always do...but now it's been another few days and I've barely talked to her and haven't seen her...
I try to make light of the situation. I need to use my time alone to make friends, work on my own self-rectification, all that kind of thing, but it's hard.
With Renay, I always knew I could have her. When we were both done with work, we came back to each other, no matter what. But I also was not doing things that made me happy, I had no freedom to do anything even if I wanted.
I hate to compare the 2, but....I think I'm still in love with Renay. And in all my moments of loneliness, she's all I think about. I'm afraid if a hott enough guy, or even a hotter chick approaches Patty, she'll leave me and then I'll be consumed by thoughts of Renay and I'll spend an endless amount of time being pissed off.
Making friends is hard here. People aren't friendly. If you haven't been in their clique since preschool, you can forget it. And it hurts me that Patty knows that so she takes full advantage of it. She knows I don't have any friends and I can hang out whenever she wants to, so she's just hanging out whenever it's easiest for her. I hate depending on someone for fun. Renay never did that to me.
I've hooked up with other people, but that only takes my mind off either of them for the hour or weekend or however long I'm with the other person.
I've got to stop comparing them...
Or even better still, maybe I need to practice being alone. (as if I don't get enough alone time when I don't see Patty) But it's hard. I don't have any friends, and it's so much easier (for me) to connect with someone romantically instead of platonic-ally. (<---is that a word? lol) How did I forget how to make friends? When did I become one of those girls I always used to talk about, the kind that can't go any length of time without being in a relationship?
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Thursday, April 1, 2010
we ain't we...it's me and her....
After the new years incident with that chick, I questioned my sexuality heavily. As long as I could remember I always thought about women like that, and for the longest time I assumed everyone thought like I did. When I found out that my thoughts were....not normal, I just kept it all to myself and tried to go with the flow of what was "right", you know, just dating guys. But then I hooked up with this random girl at new years and I figured I should quit trying to kid myself. I took weird internet quizzes and caused myself a lot of anxiety thinking about my sexuality. I should have gotten myself a hobby.
But I didn't. Instead, I posted an ad on craigslist, outlining what I wanted in a girlfriend and my own personal traits. I thought that maybe I could really figure it out if I was in a relationship with a girl. I had no idea....I had no idea that I would learn a lot more about myself than just my sexuality.
I got one response. And the picture of the girl...or man, or whatever it was, was so disturbing to me that I was slapped with the reality of lesbianism and wanted nothing more to do with it. I couldn't picture myself being romantic with....that. no. But then I got another response. There was no picture attached, but the chick seemed level-headed enough, not creepy, so I wrote back. And that was the beginning.
Renay was her name. I waited with bated breath to get her reply emails, so excited to see if we held the same interests, to see what she liked and disliked, all that preliminary stuff. We wrote back and forth for about a week, I guess, and then she gave me her phone number. I was ecstatic. I waited a couple hours to call as not to seem desperate. That first night we talked for about 8 hours. I never EVER spent that much time on the phone with anyone. Ever. I really liked the way she came off, she sounded really strong willed, strong minded. She made me laugh hysterically. I liked her right off the bat.
And for the next 2 weeks we talked on the phone like that every night. We talked for hours, in an attempt to learn each other. I felt so in love so early. I don't know how that happened. I wanted to talk to her every free moment I had. And that's exactly what I did. I told her I loved her after we talked for about a week or so....I felt soooo stupid, but I also thought I couldn't help the way I felt. And if I had of known it was going to come back and slap me in the face like it did, I would have kept my feelings to myself like I normally do.
I drove up to Philadelphia from Harrisburg, a 2-hr drive from where I lived at the time, to see her in the middle of a snowstorm. I was desperate to see her. To finally put an actual face to the person that I had managed to fall in love with over the phone had my heart racing. And she was everything she was in her facebook pictures, only more beautiful if such a thing was possible. I was astounded, and my heart felt like it was going to pound right out of my chest when I was first next to her. You would have thought I had met my celebrity crush. It took me a while to calm down and when I did, we connected on a physical level. I have never been so physically attracted to anyone.
Everything was so perfect with us to start with. We still talked on the phone non-stop. When I came to see her, tears filled my eyes when it was time to leave. I loved her with every ounce of love that I thought I possessed. We talked about the future. And the more we talked, the more it showed that we had different goals and we wanted different things at that point in time. And it manifested in other aspects of the relationship. Every other aspect. Except the bedroom.
We had our differences. But our first big spat came from my unwillingness to be open. I've always had a hard time communicating in relationships, and nothing was any different with Renay, despite how comfortable I was with her in all other aspects. She yelled at me like I was a dog, called me a liar because there was no way I could love her and not be open with her. And she told me that she didn't want to see me again. But I knew it wasn't over. I was going through a lot with my dad at the time and I left his house, but I thought moving closer to her would fix everything. I found other justifications for my move when people asked me, but at the end of the day, I couldn't lie to myself. I moved to Philly for her. (Thankfully now, I found plenty of reasons to stay, but she evoked the move.) And it worked. We started talking again, and she criticized me for moving so hastily, not knowing the move was for her, but she loved having me closer. We spent every day together. Wake up next to her, fall asleep next to her, go to work, come home to her...it was great. We still had our rough patches, but it was great.
I wanted it to work because the good feelings that I possessed, I was afraid that I could never feel for anyone else. I'm still afraid of that today, even now that I don't have her anymore. And I remember her telling me that I can't live in fear of such things.
Then more problems arose. There was a 7 year age gap between us. She constantly told me I was immature. It could be the simplest disagreement (She wanted burgers, I wanted spaghetti, I was immature.) She told me that I'm not as much of an adult as I would like to think I am. She told me that it seemed that all I wanted was sex from her, and she wasn't going to continue to feel like a whore. She called me a liar because she felt I was just pouring out my heart to her to be funny. She said I had not been the same person that she talked to for hours on the phone and she was trying to find in me what existed on the phone, but she couldn't. She told me she felt like she was the teacher and I was the student and she doesn't have time to take me by the hand and show me life. She said she loved me, but wasn't in love with me.
And no matter how much protesting I did to her accusations of my character and my feelings toward her, her mind was already made up and backed up with examples, bullshit examples, but examples nonetheless. And I couldn't chalk it up to anything else but that she was right, in her own mind and there was no convincing her of otherwise. This hoe was crazy.
I have a lot of things from my childhood that plague me. And, though she was crazy, being in a relationship with Renay really made me see that. Her words made me think back on all my relationships and wonder if it was not my own character flaws that caused the demise. I have a lot I need to let go of in order to be open with anyone else. See, the thing about me is that I don't say much, and I've concluded that I'm quiet because I'm so afraid that something will come out that I don't want anyone to know.
I'm sorry I made her feel like shit. I'm sorry I reminded her of other relationships. All I wanted to do (upon figuring out that I was crazy about her) is make her feel like the most special person in the whole world. I wanted to give her all my heart, and be her comfort and backbone for the rest of our lives. But I obviously can't give the kind of love i want to if I'm so unhappy with so much of myself.
I will always love her...and if nothing else, I'll never forget her.
But I didn't. Instead, I posted an ad on craigslist, outlining what I wanted in a girlfriend and my own personal traits. I thought that maybe I could really figure it out if I was in a relationship with a girl. I had no idea....I had no idea that I would learn a lot more about myself than just my sexuality.
I got one response. And the picture of the girl...or man, or whatever it was, was so disturbing to me that I was slapped with the reality of lesbianism and wanted nothing more to do with it. I couldn't picture myself being romantic with....that. no. But then I got another response. There was no picture attached, but the chick seemed level-headed enough, not creepy, so I wrote back. And that was the beginning.
Renay was her name. I waited with bated breath to get her reply emails, so excited to see if we held the same interests, to see what she liked and disliked, all that preliminary stuff. We wrote back and forth for about a week, I guess, and then she gave me her phone number. I was ecstatic. I waited a couple hours to call as not to seem desperate. That first night we talked for about 8 hours. I never EVER spent that much time on the phone with anyone. Ever. I really liked the way she came off, she sounded really strong willed, strong minded. She made me laugh hysterically. I liked her right off the bat.
And for the next 2 weeks we talked on the phone like that every night. We talked for hours, in an attempt to learn each other. I felt so in love so early. I don't know how that happened. I wanted to talk to her every free moment I had. And that's exactly what I did. I told her I loved her after we talked for about a week or so....I felt soooo stupid, but I also thought I couldn't help the way I felt. And if I had of known it was going to come back and slap me in the face like it did, I would have kept my feelings to myself like I normally do.
I drove up to Philadelphia from Harrisburg, a 2-hr drive from where I lived at the time, to see her in the middle of a snowstorm. I was desperate to see her. To finally put an actual face to the person that I had managed to fall in love with over the phone had my heart racing. And she was everything she was in her facebook pictures, only more beautiful if such a thing was possible. I was astounded, and my heart felt like it was going to pound right out of my chest when I was first next to her. You would have thought I had met my celebrity crush. It took me a while to calm down and when I did, we connected on a physical level. I have never been so physically attracted to anyone.
Everything was so perfect with us to start with. We still talked on the phone non-stop. When I came to see her, tears filled my eyes when it was time to leave. I loved her with every ounce of love that I thought I possessed. We talked about the future. And the more we talked, the more it showed that we had different goals and we wanted different things at that point in time. And it manifested in other aspects of the relationship. Every other aspect. Except the bedroom.
We had our differences. But our first big spat came from my unwillingness to be open. I've always had a hard time communicating in relationships, and nothing was any different with Renay, despite how comfortable I was with her in all other aspects. She yelled at me like I was a dog, called me a liar because there was no way I could love her and not be open with her. And she told me that she didn't want to see me again. But I knew it wasn't over. I was going through a lot with my dad at the time and I left his house, but I thought moving closer to her would fix everything. I found other justifications for my move when people asked me, but at the end of the day, I couldn't lie to myself. I moved to Philly for her. (Thankfully now, I found plenty of reasons to stay, but she evoked the move.) And it worked. We started talking again, and she criticized me for moving so hastily, not knowing the move was for her, but she loved having me closer. We spent every day together. Wake up next to her, fall asleep next to her, go to work, come home to her...it was great. We still had our rough patches, but it was great.
I wanted it to work because the good feelings that I possessed, I was afraid that I could never feel for anyone else. I'm still afraid of that today, even now that I don't have her anymore. And I remember her telling me that I can't live in fear of such things.
Then more problems arose. There was a 7 year age gap between us. She constantly told me I was immature. It could be the simplest disagreement (She wanted burgers, I wanted spaghetti, I was immature.) She told me that I'm not as much of an adult as I would like to think I am. She told me that it seemed that all I wanted was sex from her, and she wasn't going to continue to feel like a whore. She called me a liar because she felt I was just pouring out my heart to her to be funny. She said I had not been the same person that she talked to for hours on the phone and she was trying to find in me what existed on the phone, but she couldn't. She told me she felt like she was the teacher and I was the student and she doesn't have time to take me by the hand and show me life. She said she loved me, but wasn't in love with me.
And no matter how much protesting I did to her accusations of my character and my feelings toward her, her mind was already made up and backed up with examples, bullshit examples, but examples nonetheless. And I couldn't chalk it up to anything else but that she was right, in her own mind and there was no convincing her of otherwise. This hoe was crazy.
I have a lot of things from my childhood that plague me. And, though she was crazy, being in a relationship with Renay really made me see that. Her words made me think back on all my relationships and wonder if it was not my own character flaws that caused the demise. I have a lot I need to let go of in order to be open with anyone else. See, the thing about me is that I don't say much, and I've concluded that I'm quiet because I'm so afraid that something will come out that I don't want anyone to know.
I'm sorry I made her feel like shit. I'm sorry I reminded her of other relationships. All I wanted to do (upon figuring out that I was crazy about her) is make her feel like the most special person in the whole world. I wanted to give her all my heart, and be her comfort and backbone for the rest of our lives. But I obviously can't give the kind of love i want to if I'm so unhappy with so much of myself.
I will always love her...and if nothing else, I'll never forget her.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
I can think of plenty of things I want to do before I die. But the main thing, the thing that encompasses everything, is that I want to mystify people. I want to leave people breathless, and all the while I want to be the thing they talk about the most.
And I think now is the time that I have to be by myself. It's been proven to me that a relationship is not what I need right now. Either more is expected of me that I am not ready to submit to, or I'm expecting essentials from someone who just can't make that happen. Or both. Like, Eric wanted kids. I wanted to have a conversation on the phone longer than 5 minutes. That obviously didn't work. Neither one of us wanted to compromise with the other. Dewayne wanted to get out, and so did I. So do I. But his going about it was all wrong. He wanted to get out, but at my expense. And it took me a long time, 3 phone bills, a ps3, and half a wardrobe later to realize that. I'm mad it didn't work out, all that money was definitely a set back, but it was all material things. Yes I was burned, but I call it a lesson learned. And then, there was that 3day thing with her. I'm pretty sure it was due to the excessive amounts of alcohol that made our relationship manifest, so for that I can't be angry, but it just reverts back to the idea that I need to be by myself. In that respect, definitely.
Also, in the respect of family. It's hard to get your family to support what you do. If you've got the support of them, run with it. Rejoice in it. Not everyone is that fortunate, and I'm beginning to see that I do not have as much support as I thought I did. So I've got to do things for me. If they like it, cool, if not....I'm going to have to learn to be cool with that. It really sucks. I can't even wrap my brain around that, the idea of my family not being 100% supportive of me. But such is life...?
At least I have good friends. Great friends. Friends that call me out when I'm wrong. Friends who know my best and wish to see it in me. So I pray I can maintain those relationships. It hasnt been so hard with the gap in geography, so hopefully I can keep it up....
And I think now is the time that I have to be by myself. It's been proven to me that a relationship is not what I need right now. Either more is expected of me that I am not ready to submit to, or I'm expecting essentials from someone who just can't make that happen. Or both. Like, Eric wanted kids. I wanted to have a conversation on the phone longer than 5 minutes. That obviously didn't work. Neither one of us wanted to compromise with the other. Dewayne wanted to get out, and so did I. So do I. But his going about it was all wrong. He wanted to get out, but at my expense. And it took me a long time, 3 phone bills, a ps3, and half a wardrobe later to realize that. I'm mad it didn't work out, all that money was definitely a set back, but it was all material things. Yes I was burned, but I call it a lesson learned. And then, there was that 3day thing with her. I'm pretty sure it was due to the excessive amounts of alcohol that made our relationship manifest, so for that I can't be angry, but it just reverts back to the idea that I need to be by myself. In that respect, definitely.
Also, in the respect of family. It's hard to get your family to support what you do. If you've got the support of them, run with it. Rejoice in it. Not everyone is that fortunate, and I'm beginning to see that I do not have as much support as I thought I did. So I've got to do things for me. If they like it, cool, if not....I'm going to have to learn to be cool with that. It really sucks. I can't even wrap my brain around that, the idea of my family not being 100% supportive of me. But such is life...?
At least I have good friends. Great friends. Friends that call me out when I'm wrong. Friends who know my best and wish to see it in me. So I pray I can maintain those relationships. It hasnt been so hard with the gap in geography, so hopefully I can keep it up....
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