I was doing the sit-ups....Even though my feet werent being held right, I tried to push thru it anyway. Everytime I went up, my hair went in my face, and everytime I went down, it slapped me in the face more....So I let my fingers go, a big NO-NO for the event...
I got another go round....and I pushed it. My feet were being properly held and I thought I was in business. But no...25. Twenty-five sit-ups and I was done. I couldnt do a single sit-up more. And I was livid....I am used to doing well. Better than well, actually.
So when it came time for the run, I gave up. On top of that, I had to be taped. I was so mad, I left and didnt answer their calls or text messages. I was hot for the rest of the day.
Other than that, life is the same...
still on the path that seemingly leads nowhere, afraid to move one way or another in fear of taking the wrong path....
the family becomes more attached with each passing day, and I must say I am becoming equally attached.
But there is love in my life.
His name is Eric. In my mind, I dont like him. But my heart cant deny what's real, I suppose.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Monday, April 6, 2009
Something has to make you run....I don't know why I didn't.....
I tried internet dating....
At first I got all kinds of madness....Guys I wasnt attracted to, guys that I were, guys that wouldnt send me pictures, ones that sent me pictures of things that I could have gone without seeing....
Yes.
And then there was "sancheezy".
He didnt have a picture to start with, but something in what he said in that initial message, or maybe it was something in his about me that had me hooked, and hence I wrote back.
Instantaneously, I think, he replied. Gave me his number. And I sent the text message....
And then things moved slowly. A text here and there throughout the day. A good morning and a good night. Perhaps some in between. Then after about two weeks of this text-banter, we decided to meet.
It was at night, so I was hoping the light wouldn't deceive me. But he drove up in an average sedan, got out and greeted me with a kiss. Impressive. He smelled good. From what I could see, he looked good. Perhaps I could finally delete that dating profile, I thought.
But my hopes werent up. Sure, he talked nice. And after our initial meeting, he claimed incessant thoughts of me. He wanted to see me again. But so had others before him. Therefore, I safeguarded myself, in a sense, and didnt say too much in the way of feelings.
But that didnt stop me from seeing him again. And again. And not going to class so I could spend more time with him. And creating friends that I didnt have so I could stay out all night with him. And leaving a room in a haste so I could answer his call to hear him talk about how much he missed me and loved me.
All the while, faking how I feel about him. Telling lie after lie in response to his affection toward me.
We still talk. I still make an effort to talk to him, but I don't know why. I still tell him things that I know he wants to hear, for no reason at all. He thinks we will be together forever, and I allow him to think so. But I don't know why.
He tells me not to hang out with this person, or that person, to go this place at this time and why. In my head, I totally object, but aloud tell him everything he wants to hear, and I wonder whats going on with me.
He pressures (attempts to pressure me) to do things totally out of my character....But still I stay....what am I becoming?
At first I got all kinds of madness....Guys I wasnt attracted to, guys that I were, guys that wouldnt send me pictures, ones that sent me pictures of things that I could have gone without seeing....
Yes.
And then there was "sancheezy".
He didnt have a picture to start with, but something in what he said in that initial message, or maybe it was something in his about me that had me hooked, and hence I wrote back.
Instantaneously, I think, he replied. Gave me his number. And I sent the text message....
And then things moved slowly. A text here and there throughout the day. A good morning and a good night. Perhaps some in between. Then after about two weeks of this text-banter, we decided to meet.
It was at night, so I was hoping the light wouldn't deceive me. But he drove up in an average sedan, got out and greeted me with a kiss. Impressive. He smelled good. From what I could see, he looked good. Perhaps I could finally delete that dating profile, I thought.
But my hopes werent up. Sure, he talked nice. And after our initial meeting, he claimed incessant thoughts of me. He wanted to see me again. But so had others before him. Therefore, I safeguarded myself, in a sense, and didnt say too much in the way of feelings.
But that didnt stop me from seeing him again. And again. And not going to class so I could spend more time with him. And creating friends that I didnt have so I could stay out all night with him. And leaving a room in a haste so I could answer his call to hear him talk about how much he missed me and loved me.
All the while, faking how I feel about him. Telling lie after lie in response to his affection toward me.
We still talk. I still make an effort to talk to him, but I don't know why. I still tell him things that I know he wants to hear, for no reason at all. He thinks we will be together forever, and I allow him to think so. But I don't know why.
He tells me not to hang out with this person, or that person, to go this place at this time and why. In my head, I totally object, but aloud tell him everything he wants to hear, and I wonder whats going on with me.
He pressures (attempts to pressure me) to do things totally out of my character....But still I stay....what am I becoming?
Friday, April 3, 2009
Makin it rain...
Only in a different way...
Each day that goes by...every hour that passes....and in the seconds that make up those hours, I think of them.
When I made up my mind not to go back, to leave everything I know to enter my own unknown, and when I had to tell her, I got that feeling.
When she calls me and I hear that hurt. Her voice tells me that she loves me, though I hear in between those words something else. Something more.
Sometimes his name comes up in conversation. Or I see his picture. Or even worse, I see her...
There are times when I lay thinking about where I should go. What I should do. When I should start doing whatever it is that I should do. I get that feeling...
They want every second of my time. They are always there, watching, listening, waiting. And there are times when I can't take it.
There are times when I make it rain, only in a different way....
:'(
Each day that goes by...every hour that passes....and in the seconds that make up those hours, I think of them.
When I made up my mind not to go back, to leave everything I know to enter my own unknown, and when I had to tell her, I got that feeling.
When she calls me and I hear that hurt. Her voice tells me that she loves me, though I hear in between those words something else. Something more.
Sometimes his name comes up in conversation. Or I see his picture. Or even worse, I see her...
There are times when I lay thinking about where I should go. What I should do. When I should start doing whatever it is that I should do. I get that feeling...
They want every second of my time. They are always there, watching, listening, waiting. And there are times when I can't take it.
There are times when I make it rain, only in a different way....
:'(
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