Something has to make you run....I don't know why I didn't.....

I tried internet dating....


At first I got all kinds of madness....Guys I wasnt attracted to, guys that I were, guys that wouldnt send me pictures, ones that sent me pictures of things that I could have gone without seeing....

Yes.

And then there was "sancheezy".

He didnt have a picture to start with, but something in what he said in that initial message, or maybe it was something in his about me that had me hooked, and hence I wrote back.

Instantaneously, I think, he replied. Gave me his number. And I sent the text message....

And then things moved slowly. A text here and there throughout the day. A good morning and a good night. Perhaps some in between. Then after about two weeks of this text-banter, we decided to meet.

It was at night, so I was hoping the light wouldn't deceive me. But he drove up in an average sedan, got out and greeted me with a kiss. Impressive. He smelled good. From what I could see, he looked good. Perhaps I could finally delete that dating profile, I thought.

But my hopes werent up. Sure, he talked nice. And after our initial meeting, he claimed incessant thoughts of me. He wanted to see me again. But so had others before him. Therefore, I safeguarded myself, in a sense, and didnt say too much in the way of feelings.

But that didnt stop me from seeing him again. And again. And not going to class so I could spend more time with him. And creating friends that I didnt have so I could stay out all night with him. And leaving a room in a haste so I could answer his call to hear him talk about how much he missed me and loved me.

All the while, faking how I feel about him. Telling lie after lie in response to his affection toward me.

We still talk. I still make an effort to talk to him, but I don't know why. I still tell him things that I know he wants to hear, for no reason at all. He thinks we will be together forever, and I allow him to think so. But I don't know why.

He tells me not to hang out with this person, or that person, to go this place at this time and why. In my head, I totally object, but aloud tell him everything he wants to hear, and I wonder whats going on with me.

He pressures (attempts to pressure me) to do things totally out of my character....But still I stay....what am I becoming?