blog title 1

thisisnotsuppoesdtohappen.

thisisnot supposedtohappen.

this is not supposed to happen.

I must admit I like to have some fun...I'll be in love for like, a minute, then I'm on the run. I'm not sure what he does to me. I want to let go...I want to be single. I want to have fun. I have the bad habit of getting involved, falling....and then falling out, pretty much within the same breath. I don't know what it is...some sort of itch, perhaps? Somehow when he caught my eye, I knew deep within my heart I just couldn't play him like the other guys.

I don't even know what to say anymore. I know someone is going to read this and that's highly upsetting to me. The whole reason I started this whole blog thing was so that I could write what I wanted entirely without having the worry of who is going to read whatever and judge off of it.

I started this like, two weeks ago and have had so much writer's block, so many distractions, it's been impossible to finish...He is my kryptonite, entirely. I want to be with him. And so it makes my future decisions increasingly harder. School, life, leaving....I factor him into every equation. I guess I do this because he does the same for me. We've talked about children. Marriage. He's so serious. And I want to be, I think. But I wonder, like, is it too soon? Am I even able to be someone's wife? I'm so selfish still, I require so much (silently). I have never known myself to be this way...I don't much like it.

I was supposed to go home for the upcoming holiday. I was going to spend times with the friends that I hold near and dear, but now I have completely rethought everything. Why am I even wasting time with these people? They only care when I have first extended the hand. It's a one sided deal in so many ways, and it's not all of them. No. There's a definite distinction between the ones that care and the others. Plus, I havent been to the place that I've grown up in almost a year now. Can you outgrow the place that taught you how to grow? I don't know anymore. There's too much there, too many bad memories, too many doors to close, so much past that it makes me sick to even think about it...Can I even find comfort there anymore, if I so chose? I don't want to hurt feelings and crush plans, but I need for the people I care about most to come out of their safe zone in a effort to keep us all happy. But who will do that?

And I keep lying to him. I used to lie to all of them. I used to give them all false hope, pretend to have the intention on being with them. But I did a lot of letting go, and I can't quite let go of this one, or else he isn't one to be easily shaken away. I don't want to hurt him, but it's inevitable. Do I shatter his heart now, or later, later when I'm in too deep. Later when sacrifices have been made. I'm in love with someone else. I don't want to break his heart. But mine has been broken before. You always bounce back...right? I don't want to be the one to have ruined him forever. Then in all my happiness, in all the good things that are sure to come, I will feel that shadow, his shadow, a heart broken by my own selfishness. There goes that word again. Can't they see how much of a glutton I am for my own contentedness?

The question always arises, 'If you could turn back time, would you?' As the cliche format, I say no, I have learned from my mistakes, the events that occured, the people I met, everything happened for a reason. That is what I say. But in my mind, I would give my world to start back at day one. Day one being....I don't know where. But I would take it back. Not having any knowledge of what I know now, but making better decisions entirely. I always had the intelligence to make sound decisions, but a lot of times did things or said things different than the way it played out in my head, and that would be what I change.

I think I will live a long life. That's all I can say, pretty much. And when the time comes for me to leave the world, I do believe it's going to be directly related to some stress oriented chronic. That can be the only thing. I have always been completely healthy, and aside from not taking aspirin for minor headaches, I stay on top of taking care of this vessel. But I worry a lot, about unneccessary things. It's so hard to go with the flow, and I imagine it won't get any easier for me.

I got out a lot of things that have been on my mind for some time. Not everything, though. I could go on forever, perhaps. Or at least for the next few hours. I'm on a roll. There's so much to talk about. I could even speak on you for some time. Just let the words spew from my fingers like blood from a major artery, so even when it's not shooting out rapidly anymore, it's still flowing out for a while....

but, until then...