When it hurts so bad....

I loved real, real hard once....

& I never stopped.

I kept it a secret for long time, because I was going through this sort of phase where I hated the idea of rejection. And then, by my surprise, I found out that he felt the same way. And then started a relationship.

It's a beautiful thing, being in love, ya know...It makes you into this person that everyone enjoys being around, not only the person you're in love with. You find yourself smiling when no one is around or for no reason in particular. I don't know. If you've ever been in love, you understand.

We spent hours on the phone together. It became a routine thing. Do this, do that, call him. And what was crazy was that a majority of the time, I didn't have anything to say....I remember, he would get so mad because of the silence between us. But silence is golden. He didnt understand. I was crazy about him. That Gym Class Heros song....Cupid's Chokehold, when he says, 'and we could be on the phone for three hours, not sayin one word, and I would still cherish every moment....' yeah...story of my life.

I thought he was equally crazy about me. I got the most awesome love notes that talked about the future of us. US. I still got one of those letters. But all that fire he had in his heart didnt last. Slowly, the little quirks I had about me, the stuff that I originally used to reel him in started to agitate him. And he'd tell me. And I'd apologize & rectify. But he didnt like that. So it turned into this cat-and-mouse deal. We ended it.

But I couldnt live. I cried and I cried and I called him and told him so. And he apologized. But we didnt get back together right away. We both had a lot of issues to work out within. So we took some time and did that. And he asked to come back into my life. I opened the door and let him in.

And in love was what I was. Every second of every hour of every day, it was him. I was on auto-pilot until I could see him again, that's what it was like. I loved the young man. Like I said, if you've been in love, then you understand. Any time with him, be it good or bad, was time well spent. Phone conversations turned into all-nighters. I was....
damn.

But then, things started to change. I would call and he wouldnt answer. He would call, and I couldnt use the phone. Gradually, the distance between us grew. He found someone else. Broke my heart. I questioned everything. What did I do? Did he really ever love me? All of that juvenile stuff....or not.

She's not that pretty. Not more than me, anyway. But love is blind to looks. And he claims he is with her. He says she's the one. But I wonder if he knows, even mildly detects, that he's all...all.

She better hold him close. Give him all her love. Look deep into his eyes and know she is very fortunate, because....



I have to quit looking at that picture. But it doesnt make much difference. His face is burned on my brain....lol And it hurts...