stress at its best.

I'm so ready to give up. I feel so overwhelmed. And I want to drink to forget about each and every single one of my problems.
I have got to find peace within my own mind. And see that's what I hate about having so much on my plate. When things get too crazy, I blow it up til nothing seems right. Til not a single aspect of anything is right. And that's wrong.
I can't believe I want to quit so badly. I bought a for sale sign to put up in the truck. I'll sell it as is. For about 3500. And live easy for a while. But I can't...fuck I can't.
I hate my job. I think too much about me and him, to the point that I start to doubt us entirely. What's wrong with me????
I stopped eating. At least quit eating 3 full meals a day. a sandwich here. something else there. but I can't seem to stomach too much. shit.
oh, to be able to trade lives with someone. I'm so jealous that I have to worry about if I have enough gas to make it to work each day, while they just click their heels and their gas tanks overflow. fuck, why couldnt I get lucky.
I'm going to pray, that's all I can do, I guess. pray pray pray pray pray. fuck.

blog title 1

thisisnotsuppoesdtohappen.

thisisnot supposedtohappen.

this is not supposed to happen.

I must admit I like to have some fun...I'll be in love for like, a minute, then I'm on the run. I'm not sure what he does to me. I want to let go...I want to be single. I want to have fun. I have the bad habit of getting involved, falling....and then falling out, pretty much within the same breath. I don't know what it is...some sort of itch, perhaps? Somehow when he caught my eye, I knew deep within my heart I just couldn't play him like the other guys.

I don't even know what to say anymore. I know someone is going to read this and that's highly upsetting to me. The whole reason I started this whole blog thing was so that I could write what I wanted entirely without having the worry of who is going to read whatever and judge off of it.

I started this like, two weeks ago and have had so much writer's block, so many distractions, it's been impossible to finish...He is my kryptonite, entirely. I want to be with him. And so it makes my future decisions increasingly harder. School, life, leaving....I factor him into every equation. I guess I do this because he does the same for me. We've talked about children. Marriage. He's so serious. And I want to be, I think. But I wonder, like, is it too soon? Am I even able to be someone's wife? I'm so selfish still, I require so much (silently). I have never known myself to be this way...I don't much like it.

I was supposed to go home for the upcoming holiday. I was going to spend times with the friends that I hold near and dear, but now I have completely rethought everything. Why am I even wasting time with these people? They only care when I have first extended the hand. It's a one sided deal in so many ways, and it's not all of them. No. There's a definite distinction between the ones that care and the others. Plus, I havent been to the place that I've grown up in almost a year now. Can you outgrow the place that taught you how to grow? I don't know anymore. There's too much there, too many bad memories, too many doors to close, so much past that it makes me sick to even think about it...Can I even find comfort there anymore, if I so chose? I don't want to hurt feelings and crush plans, but I need for the people I care about most to come out of their safe zone in a effort to keep us all happy. But who will do that?

And I keep lying to him. I used to lie to all of them. I used to give them all false hope, pretend to have the intention on being with them. But I did a lot of letting go, and I can't quite let go of this one, or else he isn't one to be easily shaken away. I don't want to hurt him, but it's inevitable. Do I shatter his heart now, or later, later when I'm in too deep. Later when sacrifices have been made. I'm in love with someone else. I don't want to break his heart. But mine has been broken before. You always bounce back...right? I don't want to be the one to have ruined him forever. Then in all my happiness, in all the good things that are sure to come, I will feel that shadow, his shadow, a heart broken by my own selfishness. There goes that word again. Can't they see how much of a glutton I am for my own contentedness?

The question always arises, 'If you could turn back time, would you?' As the cliche format, I say no, I have learned from my mistakes, the events that occured, the people I met, everything happened for a reason. That is what I say. But in my mind, I would give my world to start back at day one. Day one being....I don't know where. But I would take it back. Not having any knowledge of what I know now, but making better decisions entirely. I always had the intelligence to make sound decisions, but a lot of times did things or said things different than the way it played out in my head, and that would be what I change.

I think I will live a long life. That's all I can say, pretty much. And when the time comes for me to leave the world, I do believe it's going to be directly related to some stress oriented chronic. That can be the only thing. I have always been completely healthy, and aside from not taking aspirin for minor headaches, I stay on top of taking care of this vessel. But I worry a lot, about unneccessary things. It's so hard to go with the flow, and I imagine it won't get any easier for me.

I got out a lot of things that have been on my mind for some time. Not everything, though. I could go on forever, perhaps. Or at least for the next few hours. I'm on a roll. There's so much to talk about. I could even speak on you for some time. Just let the words spew from my fingers like blood from a major artery, so even when it's not shooting out rapidly anymore, it's still flowing out for a while....

but, until then...

if I don't break your heart, things will just get worse.....

the good:

~he has BIG DREAMS. he wants to get up and out of where he has lived, the influence. I see the same drive that I had to get out of my hometown. he matches my ambition in that respect.

~his family loves me. I always dreamed my in-laws would love me to pieces, and they do.

~he smiled at me so warm and sweet, I could not speak.....he made me feel like a little, bitty girl. what did he do to me?

the bad:

-he is selfish. my interests are important, but only when they don't conflict with what he wants to do/wants.

- he lies. well, I shouldn't say 'lies', but he lied once...about something big, so therefore, I am convinced that he has lied about other things, or has the potential to lie about other things. Unnecessary things.

- he rather run the streets than lay in the sheets, metaphorically speaking. I often get put on the back burner to the homies, the cousins. I understand the whole needing space thing, but when you confess how badly you want to be with someone, you would think you would need to see that person more than one day a week....

- he isn't stupid, but when I have to break down words and phrases that are a part of my personality, I tend to wonder why....

- he has a problem. the type that'll consume him if he isn't careful. And I just don't have time to save lives....


so what. do. i. do? it's obvious ain't it? when the bad outweighs the good, it's should be as easy as pie. all i really want is to be happy, but how can I be happy if I just hurt someone's feelings...broke someone's heart?


....dry your eyes
please don't cry
you can be strong
if you just hold on....

ugh

I have never quite felt like this before. And no, it's not that butterflies in your stomach type feeling....more like the lump in your throat type.

A year ago was when I made the decision to stay here. My heart was in a different place. A whole different wave of emotions was going on...and a kick myself everyday for letting it take over. With each day that goes by, I get slapped in the face one way or another with the fact that I don't belong here and this is definitely not where I want to be.

Only in Horseshoes and Hand grenades where almost means something....

I was doing the sit-ups....Even though my feet werent being held right, I tried to push thru it anyway. Everytime I went up, my hair went in my face, and everytime I went down, it slapped me in the face more....So I let my fingers go, a big NO-NO for the event...

I got another go round....and I pushed it. My feet were being properly held and I thought I was in business. But no...25. Twenty-five sit-ups and I was done. I couldnt do a single sit-up more. And I was livid....I am used to doing well. Better than well, actually.

So when it came time for the run, I gave up. On top of that, I had to be taped. I was so mad, I left and didnt answer their calls or text messages. I was hot for the rest of the day.

Other than that, life is the same...

still on the path that seemingly leads nowhere, afraid to move one way or another in fear of taking the wrong path....

the family becomes more attached with each passing day, and I must say I am becoming equally attached.

But there is love in my life.

His name is Eric. In my mind, I dont like him. But my heart cant deny what's real, I suppose.

Something has to make you run....I don't know why I didn't.....

I tried internet dating....


At first I got all kinds of madness....Guys I wasnt attracted to, guys that I were, guys that wouldnt send me pictures, ones that sent me pictures of things that I could have gone without seeing....

Yes.

And then there was "sancheezy".

He didnt have a picture to start with, but something in what he said in that initial message, or maybe it was something in his about me that had me hooked, and hence I wrote back.

Instantaneously, I think, he replied. Gave me his number. And I sent the text message....

And then things moved slowly. A text here and there throughout the day. A good morning and a good night. Perhaps some in between. Then after about two weeks of this text-banter, we decided to meet.

It was at night, so I was hoping the light wouldn't deceive me. But he drove up in an average sedan, got out and greeted me with a kiss. Impressive. He smelled good. From what I could see, he looked good. Perhaps I could finally delete that dating profile, I thought.

But my hopes werent up. Sure, he talked nice. And after our initial meeting, he claimed incessant thoughts of me. He wanted to see me again. But so had others before him. Therefore, I safeguarded myself, in a sense, and didnt say too much in the way of feelings.

But that didnt stop me from seeing him again. And again. And not going to class so I could spend more time with him. And creating friends that I didnt have so I could stay out all night with him. And leaving a room in a haste so I could answer his call to hear him talk about how much he missed me and loved me.

All the while, faking how I feel about him. Telling lie after lie in response to his affection toward me.

We still talk. I still make an effort to talk to him, but I don't know why. I still tell him things that I know he wants to hear, for no reason at all. He thinks we will be together forever, and I allow him to think so. But I don't know why.

He tells me not to hang out with this person, or that person, to go this place at this time and why. In my head, I totally object, but aloud tell him everything he wants to hear, and I wonder whats going on with me.

He pressures (attempts to pressure me) to do things totally out of my character....But still I stay....what am I becoming?

Makin it rain...

Only in a different way...

Each day that goes by...every hour that passes....and in the seconds that make up those hours, I think of them.

When I made up my mind not to go back, to leave everything I know to enter my own unknown, and when I had to tell her, I got that feeling.

When she calls me and I hear that hurt. Her voice tells me that she loves me, though I hear in between those words something else. Something more.

Sometimes his name comes up in conversation. Or I see his picture. Or even worse, I see her...

There are times when I lay thinking about where I should go. What I should do. When I should start doing whatever it is that I should do. I get that feeling...

They want every second of my time. They are always there, watching, listening, waiting. And there are times when I can't take it.

There are times when I make it rain, only in a different way....

:'(