I left Renay with so much off my chest....and so much on my mind to rectify about myself. But I didn't leave her before getting tangled up with someone else.
I've never been one to cheat, but in my head, Renay and I were already over. It was my heart that was still hanging on, making her dinner, putting up with all the things that upset me and made me feel like I was less than a person. I wanted us to work because I managed to fall madly in love with her, but I wanted her to break up with me, because I knew breaking up with her would not have been an option. She had proven to me how crazy she was and I was afraid of what would've happened if I'd broken up with her, so it was just a lot easier for me to sneak and creep.
Patty had just graduated law school. She had a job that she didn't mind going to and she lived with her parents. She was on the opposite end of the spectrum of Renay in a lot or respects, but she still held a certain dominance that I seem to be drawn to.
I enjoyed Patty's company. She'd come see me after work, we'd have dinner, watch tv or a movie and then she'd leave. But it wasn't long before I became scared that we had developed a sort of friends with benefits type deal. I didn't want that. I wanted the ideal sort of relationship that I didn't get with Renay. I thought it was fully attainable with Patty, she was level-headed, we loved the same shows and music, she was really cool. There was no pressure to be a certain way or do anything. But for the longest time, she'd come over, we'd have sex and then she'd leave. And that disturbed me.
Then she got accepted to law school in vermont. She told me and I was devastated. But she encouraged me to come visit and laid out her semester schedule so I'd know good weekends to come up. I was excited for that. At least she didn't just want to leave me.But then her mind changed, and she didn't go to law school. I was really happy for that, obviously for my own selfish reasons. And then we started spending a lot of time together. I saw her more in 1 week than I had in our entire dating period.
And after about 2 weeks of seeing each other regularly, I had to know if we were exclusive. I'm not sure why I was so eager to know this, but I was, and I became even more excited when I found out we were. Once again, I had someone to treat like a princess.
But now...I wish I hadn't been so curious to know if we were exclusive. Curiosity killed the cat, and it's sure as hell killing this relationship...
2 weeks ago, we went to a soccer game. The Philadelphia Union. I had never been to a soccer game before and we were having a nice enough time. Then she got in touch with some friends of hers who were also at the soccer game. They had better (and extra) seats, so we went down with them. But prior to sitting with them, I had to get a briefing: If anyone asked, we're just friends, having met thru a mutual friend. Because she's not out to them.
I felt like I got kicked in the stomach.What the fuck. I could barely agree to the story, I was so floored by the whole lie.
She had told me she wasn't out to anyone, and I was cool with that. Then. But I guess when the reality of her not being out actually hit, I felt entirely different. When her and I were together, I didn't even think about her not being out. Even in public, she was all over me....but then again, she was drinking....
I didn't like being put in the middle of a lie, and I'm quite sure her friend could tell I was gay even if they thought Patty wasn't. I was completely uncomfortable and stayed quiet for the rest of the game except when spoken to. Maybe Patty picked up on that, maybe she was too wrapped up in her own thoughts of how long she could keep lying to people about who I am, I don't know, but for the remainder of the night she was totally aloof. I could tell something was wrong with her, but she made no mention of it.
And for an entire week after that, I didn't see her and barely talked to her. I was totally heartbroken, and I thought for sure that the next time I talked to her, she was going to be calling us quits. But we got together again, and had just a good a time as we always do...but now it's been another few days and I've barely talked to her and haven't seen her...
I try to make light of the situation. I need to use my time alone to make friends, work on my own self-rectification, all that kind of thing, but it's hard.
With Renay, I always knew I could have her. When we were both done with work, we came back to each other, no matter what. But I also was not doing things that made me happy, I had no freedom to do anything even if I wanted.
I hate to compare the 2, but....I think I'm still in love with Renay. And in all my moments of loneliness, she's all I think about. I'm afraid if a hott enough guy, or even a hotter chick approaches Patty, she'll leave me and then I'll be consumed by thoughts of Renay and I'll spend an endless amount of time being pissed off.
Making friends is hard here. People aren't friendly. If you haven't been in their clique since preschool, you can forget it. And it hurts me that Patty knows that so she takes full advantage of it. She knows I don't have any friends and I can hang out whenever she wants to, so she's just hanging out whenever it's easiest for her. I hate depending on someone for fun. Renay never did that to me.
I've hooked up with other people, but that only takes my mind off either of them for the hour or weekend or however long I'm with the other person.
I've got to stop comparing them...
Or even better still, maybe I need to practice being alone. (as if I don't get enough alone time when I don't see Patty) But it's hard. I don't have any friends, and it's so much easier (for me) to connect with someone romantically instead of platonic-ally. (<---is that a word? lol) How did I forget how to make friends? When did I become one of those girls I always used to talk about, the kind that can't go any length of time without being in a relationship?
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Thursday, April 1, 2010
we ain't we...it's me and her....
After the new years incident with that chick, I questioned my sexuality heavily. As long as I could remember I always thought about women like that, and for the longest time I assumed everyone thought like I did. When I found out that my thoughts were....not normal, I just kept it all to myself and tried to go with the flow of what was "right", you know, just dating guys. But then I hooked up with this random girl at new years and I figured I should quit trying to kid myself. I took weird internet quizzes and caused myself a lot of anxiety thinking about my sexuality. I should have gotten myself a hobby.
But I didn't. Instead, I posted an ad on craigslist, outlining what I wanted in a girlfriend and my own personal traits. I thought that maybe I could really figure it out if I was in a relationship with a girl. I had no idea....I had no idea that I would learn a lot more about myself than just my sexuality.
I got one response. And the picture of the girl...or man, or whatever it was, was so disturbing to me that I was slapped with the reality of lesbianism and wanted nothing more to do with it. I couldn't picture myself being romantic with....that. no. But then I got another response. There was no picture attached, but the chick seemed level-headed enough, not creepy, so I wrote back. And that was the beginning.
Renay was her name. I waited with bated breath to get her reply emails, so excited to see if we held the same interests, to see what she liked and disliked, all that preliminary stuff. We wrote back and forth for about a week, I guess, and then she gave me her phone number. I was ecstatic. I waited a couple hours to call as not to seem desperate. That first night we talked for about 8 hours. I never EVER spent that much time on the phone with anyone. Ever. I really liked the way she came off, she sounded really strong willed, strong minded. She made me laugh hysterically. I liked her right off the bat.
And for the next 2 weeks we talked on the phone like that every night. We talked for hours, in an attempt to learn each other. I felt so in love so early. I don't know how that happened. I wanted to talk to her every free moment I had. And that's exactly what I did. I told her I loved her after we talked for about a week or so....I felt soooo stupid, but I also thought I couldn't help the way I felt. And if I had of known it was going to come back and slap me in the face like it did, I would have kept my feelings to myself like I normally do.
I drove up to Philadelphia from Harrisburg, a 2-hr drive from where I lived at the time, to see her in the middle of a snowstorm. I was desperate to see her. To finally put an actual face to the person that I had managed to fall in love with over the phone had my heart racing. And she was everything she was in her facebook pictures, only more beautiful if such a thing was possible. I was astounded, and my heart felt like it was going to pound right out of my chest when I was first next to her. You would have thought I had met my celebrity crush. It took me a while to calm down and when I did, we connected on a physical level. I have never been so physically attracted to anyone.
Everything was so perfect with us to start with. We still talked on the phone non-stop. When I came to see her, tears filled my eyes when it was time to leave. I loved her with every ounce of love that I thought I possessed. We talked about the future. And the more we talked, the more it showed that we had different goals and we wanted different things at that point in time. And it manifested in other aspects of the relationship. Every other aspect. Except the bedroom.
We had our differences. But our first big spat came from my unwillingness to be open. I've always had a hard time communicating in relationships, and nothing was any different with Renay, despite how comfortable I was with her in all other aspects. She yelled at me like I was a dog, called me a liar because there was no way I could love her and not be open with her. And she told me that she didn't want to see me again. But I knew it wasn't over. I was going through a lot with my dad at the time and I left his house, but I thought moving closer to her would fix everything. I found other justifications for my move when people asked me, but at the end of the day, I couldn't lie to myself. I moved to Philly for her. (Thankfully now, I found plenty of reasons to stay, but she evoked the move.) And it worked. We started talking again, and she criticized me for moving so hastily, not knowing the move was for her, but she loved having me closer. We spent every day together. Wake up next to her, fall asleep next to her, go to work, come home to her...it was great. We still had our rough patches, but it was great.
I wanted it to work because the good feelings that I possessed, I was afraid that I could never feel for anyone else. I'm still afraid of that today, even now that I don't have her anymore. And I remember her telling me that I can't live in fear of such things.
Then more problems arose. There was a 7 year age gap between us. She constantly told me I was immature. It could be the simplest disagreement (She wanted burgers, I wanted spaghetti, I was immature.) She told me that I'm not as much of an adult as I would like to think I am. She told me that it seemed that all I wanted was sex from her, and she wasn't going to continue to feel like a whore. She called me a liar because she felt I was just pouring out my heart to her to be funny. She said I had not been the same person that she talked to for hours on the phone and she was trying to find in me what existed on the phone, but she couldn't. She told me she felt like she was the teacher and I was the student and she doesn't have time to take me by the hand and show me life. She said she loved me, but wasn't in love with me.
And no matter how much protesting I did to her accusations of my character and my feelings toward her, her mind was already made up and backed up with examples, bullshit examples, but examples nonetheless. And I couldn't chalk it up to anything else but that she was right, in her own mind and there was no convincing her of otherwise. This hoe was crazy.
I have a lot of things from my childhood that plague me. And, though she was crazy, being in a relationship with Renay really made me see that. Her words made me think back on all my relationships and wonder if it was not my own character flaws that caused the demise. I have a lot I need to let go of in order to be open with anyone else. See, the thing about me is that I don't say much, and I've concluded that I'm quiet because I'm so afraid that something will come out that I don't want anyone to know.
I'm sorry I made her feel like shit. I'm sorry I reminded her of other relationships. All I wanted to do (upon figuring out that I was crazy about her) is make her feel like the most special person in the whole world. I wanted to give her all my heart, and be her comfort and backbone for the rest of our lives. But I obviously can't give the kind of love i want to if I'm so unhappy with so much of myself.
I will always love her...and if nothing else, I'll never forget her.
But I didn't. Instead, I posted an ad on craigslist, outlining what I wanted in a girlfriend and my own personal traits. I thought that maybe I could really figure it out if I was in a relationship with a girl. I had no idea....I had no idea that I would learn a lot more about myself than just my sexuality.
I got one response. And the picture of the girl...or man, or whatever it was, was so disturbing to me that I was slapped with the reality of lesbianism and wanted nothing more to do with it. I couldn't picture myself being romantic with....that. no. But then I got another response. There was no picture attached, but the chick seemed level-headed enough, not creepy, so I wrote back. And that was the beginning.
Renay was her name. I waited with bated breath to get her reply emails, so excited to see if we held the same interests, to see what she liked and disliked, all that preliminary stuff. We wrote back and forth for about a week, I guess, and then she gave me her phone number. I was ecstatic. I waited a couple hours to call as not to seem desperate. That first night we talked for about 8 hours. I never EVER spent that much time on the phone with anyone. Ever. I really liked the way she came off, she sounded really strong willed, strong minded. She made me laugh hysterically. I liked her right off the bat.
And for the next 2 weeks we talked on the phone like that every night. We talked for hours, in an attempt to learn each other. I felt so in love so early. I don't know how that happened. I wanted to talk to her every free moment I had. And that's exactly what I did. I told her I loved her after we talked for about a week or so....I felt soooo stupid, but I also thought I couldn't help the way I felt. And if I had of known it was going to come back and slap me in the face like it did, I would have kept my feelings to myself like I normally do.
I drove up to Philadelphia from Harrisburg, a 2-hr drive from where I lived at the time, to see her in the middle of a snowstorm. I was desperate to see her. To finally put an actual face to the person that I had managed to fall in love with over the phone had my heart racing. And she was everything she was in her facebook pictures, only more beautiful if such a thing was possible. I was astounded, and my heart felt like it was going to pound right out of my chest when I was first next to her. You would have thought I had met my celebrity crush. It took me a while to calm down and when I did, we connected on a physical level. I have never been so physically attracted to anyone.
Everything was so perfect with us to start with. We still talked on the phone non-stop. When I came to see her, tears filled my eyes when it was time to leave. I loved her with every ounce of love that I thought I possessed. We talked about the future. And the more we talked, the more it showed that we had different goals and we wanted different things at that point in time. And it manifested in other aspects of the relationship. Every other aspect. Except the bedroom.
We had our differences. But our first big spat came from my unwillingness to be open. I've always had a hard time communicating in relationships, and nothing was any different with Renay, despite how comfortable I was with her in all other aspects. She yelled at me like I was a dog, called me a liar because there was no way I could love her and not be open with her. And she told me that she didn't want to see me again. But I knew it wasn't over. I was going through a lot with my dad at the time and I left his house, but I thought moving closer to her would fix everything. I found other justifications for my move when people asked me, but at the end of the day, I couldn't lie to myself. I moved to Philly for her. (Thankfully now, I found plenty of reasons to stay, but she evoked the move.) And it worked. We started talking again, and she criticized me for moving so hastily, not knowing the move was for her, but she loved having me closer. We spent every day together. Wake up next to her, fall asleep next to her, go to work, come home to her...it was great. We still had our rough patches, but it was great.
I wanted it to work because the good feelings that I possessed, I was afraid that I could never feel for anyone else. I'm still afraid of that today, even now that I don't have her anymore. And I remember her telling me that I can't live in fear of such things.
Then more problems arose. There was a 7 year age gap between us. She constantly told me I was immature. It could be the simplest disagreement (She wanted burgers, I wanted spaghetti, I was immature.) She told me that I'm not as much of an adult as I would like to think I am. She told me that it seemed that all I wanted was sex from her, and she wasn't going to continue to feel like a whore. She called me a liar because she felt I was just pouring out my heart to her to be funny. She said I had not been the same person that she talked to for hours on the phone and she was trying to find in me what existed on the phone, but she couldn't. She told me she felt like she was the teacher and I was the student and she doesn't have time to take me by the hand and show me life. She said she loved me, but wasn't in love with me.
And no matter how much protesting I did to her accusations of my character and my feelings toward her, her mind was already made up and backed up with examples, bullshit examples, but examples nonetheless. And I couldn't chalk it up to anything else but that she was right, in her own mind and there was no convincing her of otherwise. This hoe was crazy.
I have a lot of things from my childhood that plague me. And, though she was crazy, being in a relationship with Renay really made me see that. Her words made me think back on all my relationships and wonder if it was not my own character flaws that caused the demise. I have a lot I need to let go of in order to be open with anyone else. See, the thing about me is that I don't say much, and I've concluded that I'm quiet because I'm so afraid that something will come out that I don't want anyone to know.
I'm sorry I made her feel like shit. I'm sorry I reminded her of other relationships. All I wanted to do (upon figuring out that I was crazy about her) is make her feel like the most special person in the whole world. I wanted to give her all my heart, and be her comfort and backbone for the rest of our lives. But I obviously can't give the kind of love i want to if I'm so unhappy with so much of myself.
I will always love her...and if nothing else, I'll never forget her.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
I can think of plenty of things I want to do before I die. But the main thing, the thing that encompasses everything, is that I want to mystify people. I want to leave people breathless, and all the while I want to be the thing they talk about the most.
And I think now is the time that I have to be by myself. It's been proven to me that a relationship is not what I need right now. Either more is expected of me that I am not ready to submit to, or I'm expecting essentials from someone who just can't make that happen. Or both. Like, Eric wanted kids. I wanted to have a conversation on the phone longer than 5 minutes. That obviously didn't work. Neither one of us wanted to compromise with the other. Dewayne wanted to get out, and so did I. So do I. But his going about it was all wrong. He wanted to get out, but at my expense. And it took me a long time, 3 phone bills, a ps3, and half a wardrobe later to realize that. I'm mad it didn't work out, all that money was definitely a set back, but it was all material things. Yes I was burned, but I call it a lesson learned. And then, there was that 3day thing with her. I'm pretty sure it was due to the excessive amounts of alcohol that made our relationship manifest, so for that I can't be angry, but it just reverts back to the idea that I need to be by myself. In that respect, definitely.
Also, in the respect of family. It's hard to get your family to support what you do. If you've got the support of them, run with it. Rejoice in it. Not everyone is that fortunate, and I'm beginning to see that I do not have as much support as I thought I did. So I've got to do things for me. If they like it, cool, if not....I'm going to have to learn to be cool with that. It really sucks. I can't even wrap my brain around that, the idea of my family not being 100% supportive of me. But such is life...?
At least I have good friends. Great friends. Friends that call me out when I'm wrong. Friends who know my best and wish to see it in me. So I pray I can maintain those relationships. It hasnt been so hard with the gap in geography, so hopefully I can keep it up....
And I think now is the time that I have to be by myself. It's been proven to me that a relationship is not what I need right now. Either more is expected of me that I am not ready to submit to, or I'm expecting essentials from someone who just can't make that happen. Or both. Like, Eric wanted kids. I wanted to have a conversation on the phone longer than 5 minutes. That obviously didn't work. Neither one of us wanted to compromise with the other. Dewayne wanted to get out, and so did I. So do I. But his going about it was all wrong. He wanted to get out, but at my expense. And it took me a long time, 3 phone bills, a ps3, and half a wardrobe later to realize that. I'm mad it didn't work out, all that money was definitely a set back, but it was all material things. Yes I was burned, but I call it a lesson learned. And then, there was that 3day thing with her. I'm pretty sure it was due to the excessive amounts of alcohol that made our relationship manifest, so for that I can't be angry, but it just reverts back to the idea that I need to be by myself. In that respect, definitely.
Also, in the respect of family. It's hard to get your family to support what you do. If you've got the support of them, run with it. Rejoice in it. Not everyone is that fortunate, and I'm beginning to see that I do not have as much support as I thought I did. So I've got to do things for me. If they like it, cool, if not....I'm going to have to learn to be cool with that. It really sucks. I can't even wrap my brain around that, the idea of my family not being 100% supportive of me. But such is life...?
At least I have good friends. Great friends. Friends that call me out when I'm wrong. Friends who know my best and wish to see it in me. So I pray I can maintain those relationships. It hasnt been so hard with the gap in geography, so hopefully I can keep it up....
Sunday, July 12, 2009
stress at its best.
I'm so ready to give up. I feel so overwhelmed. And I want to drink to forget about each and every single one of my problems.
I have got to find peace within my own mind. And see that's what I hate about having so much on my plate. When things get too crazy, I blow it up til nothing seems right. Til not a single aspect of anything is right. And that's wrong.
I can't believe I want to quit so badly. I bought a for sale sign to put up in the truck. I'll sell it as is. For about 3500. And live easy for a while. But I can't...fuck I can't.
I hate my job. I think too much about me and him, to the point that I start to doubt us entirely. What's wrong with me????
I stopped eating. At least quit eating 3 full meals a day. a sandwich here. something else there. but I can't seem to stomach too much. shit.
oh, to be able to trade lives with someone. I'm so jealous that I have to worry about if I have enough gas to make it to work each day, while they just click their heels and their gas tanks overflow. fuck, why couldnt I get lucky.
I'm going to pray, that's all I can do, I guess. pray pray pray pray pray. fuck.
I have got to find peace within my own mind. And see that's what I hate about having so much on my plate. When things get too crazy, I blow it up til nothing seems right. Til not a single aspect of anything is right. And that's wrong.
I can't believe I want to quit so badly. I bought a for sale sign to put up in the truck. I'll sell it as is. For about 3500. And live easy for a while. But I can't...fuck I can't.
I hate my job. I think too much about me and him, to the point that I start to doubt us entirely. What's wrong with me????
I stopped eating. At least quit eating 3 full meals a day. a sandwich here. something else there. but I can't seem to stomach too much. shit.
oh, to be able to trade lives with someone. I'm so jealous that I have to worry about if I have enough gas to make it to work each day, while they just click their heels and their gas tanks overflow. fuck, why couldnt I get lucky.
I'm going to pray, that's all I can do, I guess. pray pray pray pray pray. fuck.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
blog title 1
thisisnotsuppoesdtohappen.
thisisnot supposedtohappen.
this is not supposed to happen.
I must admit I like to have some fun...I'll be in love for like, a minute, then I'm on the run. I'm not sure what he does to me. I want to let go...I want to be single. I want to have fun. I have the bad habit of getting involved, falling....and then falling out, pretty much within the same breath. I don't know what it is...some sort of itch, perhaps? Somehow when he caught my eye, I knew deep within my heart I just couldn't play him like the other guys.
I don't even know what to say anymore. I know someone is going to read this and that's highly upsetting to me. The whole reason I started this whole blog thing was so that I could write what I wanted entirely without having the worry of who is going to read whatever and judge off of it.
I started this like, two weeks ago and have had so much writer's block, so many distractions, it's been impossible to finish...He is my kryptonite, entirely. I want to be with him. And so it makes my future decisions increasingly harder. School, life, leaving....I factor him into every equation. I guess I do this because he does the same for me. We've talked about children. Marriage. He's so serious. And I want to be, I think. But I wonder, like, is it too soon? Am I even able to be someone's wife? I'm so selfish still, I require so much (silently). I have never known myself to be this way...I don't much like it.
I was supposed to go home for the upcoming holiday. I was going to spend times with the friends that I hold near and dear, but now I have completely rethought everything. Why am I even wasting time with these people? They only care when I have first extended the hand. It's a one sided deal in so many ways, and it's not all of them. No. There's a definite distinction between the ones that care and the others. Plus, I havent been to the place that I've grown up in almost a year now. Can you outgrow the place that taught you how to grow? I don't know anymore. There's too much there, too many bad memories, too many doors to close, so much past that it makes me sick to even think about it...Can I even find comfort there anymore, if I so chose? I don't want to hurt feelings and crush plans, but I need for the people I care about most to come out of their safe zone in a effort to keep us all happy. But who will do that?
And I keep lying to him. I used to lie to all of them. I used to give them all false hope, pretend to have the intention on being with them. But I did a lot of letting go, and I can't quite let go of this one, or else he isn't one to be easily shaken away. I don't want to hurt him, but it's inevitable. Do I shatter his heart now, or later, later when I'm in too deep. Later when sacrifices have been made. I'm in love with someone else. I don't want to break his heart. But mine has been broken before. You always bounce back...right? I don't want to be the one to have ruined him forever. Then in all my happiness, in all the good things that are sure to come, I will feel that shadow, his shadow, a heart broken by my own selfishness. There goes that word again. Can't they see how much of a glutton I am for my own contentedness?
The question always arises, 'If you could turn back time, would you?' As the cliche format, I say no, I have learned from my mistakes, the events that occured, the people I met, everything happened for a reason. That is what I say. But in my mind, I would give my world to start back at day one. Day one being....I don't know where. But I would take it back. Not having any knowledge of what I know now, but making better decisions entirely. I always had the intelligence to make sound decisions, but a lot of times did things or said things different than the way it played out in my head, and that would be what I change.
I think I will live a long life. That's all I can say, pretty much. And when the time comes for me to leave the world, I do believe it's going to be directly related to some stress oriented chronic. That can be the only thing. I have always been completely healthy, and aside from not taking aspirin for minor headaches, I stay on top of taking care of this vessel. But I worry a lot, about unneccessary things. It's so hard to go with the flow, and I imagine it won't get any easier for me.
I got out a lot of things that have been on my mind for some time. Not everything, though. I could go on forever, perhaps. Or at least for the next few hours. I'm on a roll. There's so much to talk about. I could even speak on you for some time. Just let the words spew from my fingers like blood from a major artery, so even when it's not shooting out rapidly anymore, it's still flowing out for a while....
but, until then...
thisisnot supposedtohappen.
this is not supposed to happen.
I must admit I like to have some fun...I'll be in love for like, a minute, then I'm on the run. I'm not sure what he does to me. I want to let go...I want to be single. I want to have fun. I have the bad habit of getting involved, falling....and then falling out, pretty much within the same breath. I don't know what it is...some sort of itch, perhaps? Somehow when he caught my eye, I knew deep within my heart I just couldn't play him like the other guys.
I don't even know what to say anymore. I know someone is going to read this and that's highly upsetting to me. The whole reason I started this whole blog thing was so that I could write what I wanted entirely without having the worry of who is going to read whatever and judge off of it.
I started this like, two weeks ago and have had so much writer's block, so many distractions, it's been impossible to finish...He is my kryptonite, entirely. I want to be with him. And so it makes my future decisions increasingly harder. School, life, leaving....I factor him into every equation. I guess I do this because he does the same for me. We've talked about children. Marriage. He's so serious. And I want to be, I think. But I wonder, like, is it too soon? Am I even able to be someone's wife? I'm so selfish still, I require so much (silently). I have never known myself to be this way...I don't much like it.
I was supposed to go home for the upcoming holiday. I was going to spend times with the friends that I hold near and dear, but now I have completely rethought everything. Why am I even wasting time with these people? They only care when I have first extended the hand. It's a one sided deal in so many ways, and it's not all of them. No. There's a definite distinction between the ones that care and the others. Plus, I havent been to the place that I've grown up in almost a year now. Can you outgrow the place that taught you how to grow? I don't know anymore. There's too much there, too many bad memories, too many doors to close, so much past that it makes me sick to even think about it...Can I even find comfort there anymore, if I so chose? I don't want to hurt feelings and crush plans, but I need for the people I care about most to come out of their safe zone in a effort to keep us all happy. But who will do that?
And I keep lying to him. I used to lie to all of them. I used to give them all false hope, pretend to have the intention on being with them. But I did a lot of letting go, and I can't quite let go of this one, or else he isn't one to be easily shaken away. I don't want to hurt him, but it's inevitable. Do I shatter his heart now, or later, later when I'm in too deep. Later when sacrifices have been made. I'm in love with someone else. I don't want to break his heart. But mine has been broken before. You always bounce back...right? I don't want to be the one to have ruined him forever. Then in all my happiness, in all the good things that are sure to come, I will feel that shadow, his shadow, a heart broken by my own selfishness. There goes that word again. Can't they see how much of a glutton I am for my own contentedness?
The question always arises, 'If you could turn back time, would you?' As the cliche format, I say no, I have learned from my mistakes, the events that occured, the people I met, everything happened for a reason. That is what I say. But in my mind, I would give my world to start back at day one. Day one being....I don't know where. But I would take it back. Not having any knowledge of what I know now, but making better decisions entirely. I always had the intelligence to make sound decisions, but a lot of times did things or said things different than the way it played out in my head, and that would be what I change.
I think I will live a long life. That's all I can say, pretty much. And when the time comes for me to leave the world, I do believe it's going to be directly related to some stress oriented chronic. That can be the only thing. I have always been completely healthy, and aside from not taking aspirin for minor headaches, I stay on top of taking care of this vessel. But I worry a lot, about unneccessary things. It's so hard to go with the flow, and I imagine it won't get any easier for me.
I got out a lot of things that have been on my mind for some time. Not everything, though. I could go on forever, perhaps. Or at least for the next few hours. I'm on a roll. There's so much to talk about. I could even speak on you for some time. Just let the words spew from my fingers like blood from a major artery, so even when it's not shooting out rapidly anymore, it's still flowing out for a while....
but, until then...
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
if I don't break your heart, things will just get worse.....
the good:
~he has BIG DREAMS. he wants to get up and out of where he has lived, the influence. I see the same drive that I had to get out of my hometown. he matches my ambition in that respect.
~his family loves me. I always dreamed my in-laws would love me to pieces, and they do.
~he smiled at me so warm and sweet, I could not speak.....he made me feel like a little, bitty girl. what did he do to me?
the bad:
-he is selfish. my interests are important, but only when they don't conflict with what he wants to do/wants.
- he lies. well, I shouldn't say 'lies', but he lied once...about something big, so therefore, I am convinced that he has lied about other things, or has the potential to lie about other things. Unnecessary things.
- he rather run the streets than lay in the sheets, metaphorically speaking. I often get put on the back burner to the homies, the cousins. I understand the whole needing space thing, but when you confess how badly you want to be with someone, you would think you would need to see that person more than one day a week....
- he isn't stupid, but when I have to break down words and phrases that are a part of my personality, I tend to wonder why....
- he has a problem. the type that'll consume him if he isn't careful. And I just don't have time to save lives....
so what. do. i. do? it's obvious ain't it? when the bad outweighs the good, it's should be as easy as pie. all i really want is to be happy, but how can I be happy if I just hurt someone's feelings...broke someone's heart?
....dry your eyes
please don't cry
you can be strong
if you just hold on....
~he has BIG DREAMS. he wants to get up and out of where he has lived, the influence. I see the same drive that I had to get out of my hometown. he matches my ambition in that respect.
~his family loves me. I always dreamed my in-laws would love me to pieces, and they do.
~he smiled at me so warm and sweet, I could not speak.....he made me feel like a little, bitty girl. what did he do to me?
the bad:
-he is selfish. my interests are important, but only when they don't conflict with what he wants to do/wants.
- he lies. well, I shouldn't say 'lies', but he lied once...about something big, so therefore, I am convinced that he has lied about other things, or has the potential to lie about other things. Unnecessary things.
- he rather run the streets than lay in the sheets, metaphorically speaking. I often get put on the back burner to the homies, the cousins. I understand the whole needing space thing, but when you confess how badly you want to be with someone, you would think you would need to see that person more than one day a week....
- he isn't stupid, but when I have to break down words and phrases that are a part of my personality, I tend to wonder why....
- he has a problem. the type that'll consume him if he isn't careful. And I just don't have time to save lives....
so what. do. i. do? it's obvious ain't it? when the bad outweighs the good, it's should be as easy as pie. all i really want is to be happy, but how can I be happy if I just hurt someone's feelings...broke someone's heart?
....dry your eyes
please don't cry
you can be strong
if you just hold on....
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
ugh
I have never quite felt like this before. And no, it's not that butterflies in your stomach type feeling....more like the lump in your throat type.
A year ago was when I made the decision to stay here. My heart was in a different place. A whole different wave of emotions was going on...and a kick myself everyday for letting it take over. With each day that goes by, I get slapped in the face one way or another with the fact that I don't belong here and this is definitely not where I want to be.
A year ago was when I made the decision to stay here. My heart was in a different place. A whole different wave of emotions was going on...and a kick myself everyday for letting it take over. With each day that goes by, I get slapped in the face one way or another with the fact that I don't belong here and this is definitely not where I want to be.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Only in Horseshoes and Hand grenades where almost means something....
I was doing the sit-ups....Even though my feet werent being held right, I tried to push thru it anyway. Everytime I went up, my hair went in my face, and everytime I went down, it slapped me in the face more....So I let my fingers go, a big NO-NO for the event...
I got another go round....and I pushed it. My feet were being properly held and I thought I was in business. But no...25. Twenty-five sit-ups and I was done. I couldnt do a single sit-up more. And I was livid....I am used to doing well. Better than well, actually.
So when it came time for the run, I gave up. On top of that, I had to be taped. I was so mad, I left and didnt answer their calls or text messages. I was hot for the rest of the day.
Other than that, life is the same...
still on the path that seemingly leads nowhere, afraid to move one way or another in fear of taking the wrong path....
the family becomes more attached with each passing day, and I must say I am becoming equally attached.
But there is love in my life.
His name is Eric. In my mind, I dont like him. But my heart cant deny what's real, I suppose.
I got another go round....and I pushed it. My feet were being properly held and I thought I was in business. But no...25. Twenty-five sit-ups and I was done. I couldnt do a single sit-up more. And I was livid....I am used to doing well. Better than well, actually.
So when it came time for the run, I gave up. On top of that, I had to be taped. I was so mad, I left and didnt answer their calls or text messages. I was hot for the rest of the day.
Other than that, life is the same...
still on the path that seemingly leads nowhere, afraid to move one way or another in fear of taking the wrong path....
the family becomes more attached with each passing day, and I must say I am becoming equally attached.
But there is love in my life.
His name is Eric. In my mind, I dont like him. But my heart cant deny what's real, I suppose.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Something has to make you run....I don't know why I didn't.....
I tried internet dating....
At first I got all kinds of madness....Guys I wasnt attracted to, guys that I were, guys that wouldnt send me pictures, ones that sent me pictures of things that I could have gone without seeing....
Yes.
And then there was "sancheezy".
He didnt have a picture to start with, but something in what he said in that initial message, or maybe it was something in his about me that had me hooked, and hence I wrote back.
Instantaneously, I think, he replied. Gave me his number. And I sent the text message....
And then things moved slowly. A text here and there throughout the day. A good morning and a good night. Perhaps some in between. Then after about two weeks of this text-banter, we decided to meet.
It was at night, so I was hoping the light wouldn't deceive me. But he drove up in an average sedan, got out and greeted me with a kiss. Impressive. He smelled good. From what I could see, he looked good. Perhaps I could finally delete that dating profile, I thought.
But my hopes werent up. Sure, he talked nice. And after our initial meeting, he claimed incessant thoughts of me. He wanted to see me again. But so had others before him. Therefore, I safeguarded myself, in a sense, and didnt say too much in the way of feelings.
But that didnt stop me from seeing him again. And again. And not going to class so I could spend more time with him. And creating friends that I didnt have so I could stay out all night with him. And leaving a room in a haste so I could answer his call to hear him talk about how much he missed me and loved me.
All the while, faking how I feel about him. Telling lie after lie in response to his affection toward me.
We still talk. I still make an effort to talk to him, but I don't know why. I still tell him things that I know he wants to hear, for no reason at all. He thinks we will be together forever, and I allow him to think so. But I don't know why.
He tells me not to hang out with this person, or that person, to go this place at this time and why. In my head, I totally object, but aloud tell him everything he wants to hear, and I wonder whats going on with me.
He pressures (attempts to pressure me) to do things totally out of my character....But still I stay....what am I becoming?
At first I got all kinds of madness....Guys I wasnt attracted to, guys that I were, guys that wouldnt send me pictures, ones that sent me pictures of things that I could have gone without seeing....
Yes.
And then there was "sancheezy".
He didnt have a picture to start with, but something in what he said in that initial message, or maybe it was something in his about me that had me hooked, and hence I wrote back.
Instantaneously, I think, he replied. Gave me his number. And I sent the text message....
And then things moved slowly. A text here and there throughout the day. A good morning and a good night. Perhaps some in between. Then after about two weeks of this text-banter, we decided to meet.
It was at night, so I was hoping the light wouldn't deceive me. But he drove up in an average sedan, got out and greeted me with a kiss. Impressive. He smelled good. From what I could see, he looked good. Perhaps I could finally delete that dating profile, I thought.
But my hopes werent up. Sure, he talked nice. And after our initial meeting, he claimed incessant thoughts of me. He wanted to see me again. But so had others before him. Therefore, I safeguarded myself, in a sense, and didnt say too much in the way of feelings.
But that didnt stop me from seeing him again. And again. And not going to class so I could spend more time with him. And creating friends that I didnt have so I could stay out all night with him. And leaving a room in a haste so I could answer his call to hear him talk about how much he missed me and loved me.
All the while, faking how I feel about him. Telling lie after lie in response to his affection toward me.
We still talk. I still make an effort to talk to him, but I don't know why. I still tell him things that I know he wants to hear, for no reason at all. He thinks we will be together forever, and I allow him to think so. But I don't know why.
He tells me not to hang out with this person, or that person, to go this place at this time and why. In my head, I totally object, but aloud tell him everything he wants to hear, and I wonder whats going on with me.
He pressures (attempts to pressure me) to do things totally out of my character....But still I stay....what am I becoming?
Friday, April 3, 2009
Makin it rain...
Only in a different way...
Each day that goes by...every hour that passes....and in the seconds that make up those hours, I think of them.
When I made up my mind not to go back, to leave everything I know to enter my own unknown, and when I had to tell her, I got that feeling.
When she calls me and I hear that hurt. Her voice tells me that she loves me, though I hear in between those words something else. Something more.
Sometimes his name comes up in conversation. Or I see his picture. Or even worse, I see her...
There are times when I lay thinking about where I should go. What I should do. When I should start doing whatever it is that I should do. I get that feeling...
They want every second of my time. They are always there, watching, listening, waiting. And there are times when I can't take it.
There are times when I make it rain, only in a different way....
:'(
Each day that goes by...every hour that passes....and in the seconds that make up those hours, I think of them.
When I made up my mind not to go back, to leave everything I know to enter my own unknown, and when I had to tell her, I got that feeling.
When she calls me and I hear that hurt. Her voice tells me that she loves me, though I hear in between those words something else. Something more.
Sometimes his name comes up in conversation. Or I see his picture. Or even worse, I see her...
There are times when I lay thinking about where I should go. What I should do. When I should start doing whatever it is that I should do. I get that feeling...
They want every second of my time. They are always there, watching, listening, waiting. And there are times when I can't take it.
There are times when I make it rain, only in a different way....
:'(
Saturday, January 19, 2008
When it hurts so bad....
I loved real, real hard once....
& I never stopped.
I kept it a secret for long time, because I was going through this sort of phase where I hated the idea of rejection. And then, by my surprise, I found out that he felt the same way. And then started a relationship.
It's a beautiful thing, being in love, ya know...It makes you into this person that everyone enjoys being around, not only the person you're in love with. You find yourself smiling when no one is around or for no reason in particular. I don't know. If you've ever been in love, you understand.
We spent hours on the phone together. It became a routine thing. Do this, do that, call him. And what was crazy was that a majority of the time, I didn't have anything to say....I remember, he would get so mad because of the silence between us. But silence is golden. He didnt understand. I was crazy about him. That Gym Class Heros song....Cupid's Chokehold, when he says, 'and we could be on the phone for three hours, not sayin one word, and I would still cherish every moment....' yeah...story of my life.
I thought he was equally crazy about me. I got the most awesome love notes that talked about the future of us. US. I still got one of those letters. But all that fire he had in his heart didnt last. Slowly, the little quirks I had about me, the stuff that I originally used to reel him in started to agitate him. And he'd tell me. And I'd apologize & rectify. But he didnt like that. So it turned into this cat-and-mouse deal. We ended it.
But I couldnt live. I cried and I cried and I called him and told him so. And he apologized. But we didnt get back together right away. We both had a lot of issues to work out within. So we took some time and did that. And he asked to come back into my life. I opened the door and let him in.
And in love was what I was. Every second of every hour of every day, it was him. I was on auto-pilot until I could see him again, that's what it was like. I loved the young man. Like I said, if you've been in love, then you understand. Any time with him, be it good or bad, was time well spent. Phone conversations turned into all-nighters. I was....
damn.
But then, things started to change. I would call and he wouldnt answer. He would call, and I couldnt use the phone. Gradually, the distance between us grew. He found someone else. Broke my heart. I questioned everything. What did I do? Did he really ever love me? All of that juvenile stuff....or not.
She's not that pretty. Not more than me, anyway. But love is blind to looks. And he claims he is with her. He says she's the one. But I wonder if he knows, even mildly detects, that he's all...all.
She better hold him close. Give him all her love. Look deep into his eyes and know she is very fortunate, because....
I have to quit looking at that picture. But it doesnt make much difference. His face is burned on my brain....lol And it hurts...
& I never stopped.
I kept it a secret for long time, because I was going through this sort of phase where I hated the idea of rejection. And then, by my surprise, I found out that he felt the same way. And then started a relationship.
It's a beautiful thing, being in love, ya know...It makes you into this person that everyone enjoys being around, not only the person you're in love with. You find yourself smiling when no one is around or for no reason in particular. I don't know. If you've ever been in love, you understand.
We spent hours on the phone together. It became a routine thing. Do this, do that, call him. And what was crazy was that a majority of the time, I didn't have anything to say....I remember, he would get so mad because of the silence between us. But silence is golden. He didnt understand. I was crazy about him. That Gym Class Heros song....Cupid's Chokehold, when he says, 'and we could be on the phone for three hours, not sayin one word, and I would still cherish every moment....' yeah...story of my life.
I thought he was equally crazy about me. I got the most awesome love notes that talked about the future of us. US. I still got one of those letters. But all that fire he had in his heart didnt last. Slowly, the little quirks I had about me, the stuff that I originally used to reel him in started to agitate him. And he'd tell me. And I'd apologize & rectify. But he didnt like that. So it turned into this cat-and-mouse deal. We ended it.
But I couldnt live. I cried and I cried and I called him and told him so. And he apologized. But we didnt get back together right away. We both had a lot of issues to work out within. So we took some time and did that. And he asked to come back into my life. I opened the door and let him in.
And in love was what I was. Every second of every hour of every day, it was him. I was on auto-pilot until I could see him again, that's what it was like. I loved the young man. Like I said, if you've been in love, then you understand. Any time with him, be it good or bad, was time well spent. Phone conversations turned into all-nighters. I was....
damn.
But then, things started to change. I would call and he wouldnt answer. He would call, and I couldnt use the phone. Gradually, the distance between us grew. He found someone else. Broke my heart. I questioned everything. What did I do? Did he really ever love me? All of that juvenile stuff....or not.
She's not that pretty. Not more than me, anyway. But love is blind to looks. And he claims he is with her. He says she's the one. But I wonder if he knows, even mildly detects, that he's all...all.
She better hold him close. Give him all her love. Look deep into his eyes and know she is very fortunate, because....
I have to quit looking at that picture. But it doesnt make much difference. His face is burned on my brain....lol And it hurts...
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Ex-factor
I feel like things would be so much easier if they hadnt made it so hard.
I grew up in their eyes, into what I thought was a paradigm of what a child should become. There's not much I dont know how to do or cant figure out. I'm respectful, caring....everything they molded me to be.
It was tough being raised by them. dad was physically and mentally abusive. both mom and I were susceptible to the onslaught of name-calling, humiliation, and punches.
There were plenty of times that i couldnt look my mom in the face because it was a constant reminder of what could (and sometimes did) happen to me. I would lie to the school officials about whatever black-eyes and bruises I had to wear after not keeping my room to standard or whatever the case may have been.
I remember one time in particular...I was seven and small and rowdy. I was prone to getting hungry in between meals. So before dinner I made myself a sandwich, using the last of the bread. At dinner dad wanted a slice to go with whatever it was we were eating. Seeing there was no more, he asked who ate the last....unknowing that my answer would lead to such great consequences, I fessed up. Infuriated, he banished me from the kitchen unless given permission by either him or my mom.
My little brother was six months old. My parents had just bought him a little walker that had little noisey, colored gadgets attached. I heard them making a fuss over his attraction to the rattle, the way his feet were making the walking mechanism of the mobile move, and I wanted to join on the laughter. I didnt think anything of going into the kitchen.
Silence fell quick when I perched myself next to the walker and began shaking the rattle in my brother's face. It took me a minute to detect that not everyone was enjoying the moment like they were before my arrival. I look up, and dad's face read death to me. My mom had her back turned away from me, her usual response to whenever I was about to get some sort of punishment from him. He asked me who allowed me to come into the kitchen. That's when it clicked in my head that I was in some serious shit, for real. When I didnt answer he told me to go to my room and 'drop 'em' , the way he always did. And just like I always did, I cried the whole way to my room and the entire time I waited for my fate. What seemed like an eternity later, he came in and let out every ounce of anger on my backside. and my hands. and my face.
He worked at a tobacco plant at the time and left before I went to school. I woke up and got dressed as usual, sore but not really noticing how badly I had beaten. It was something I always managed to block out of my head without trying, even as I got older. But mom noticed it all. Before I got on the bus that morning, I had memorized a lie to tell everyone that she had conjured up. I could say it forwards and backwards, and she asked me all the questions that any outsider would ask, and I answered them perfectly using the lie, and with no hesitation.
But whoever that lady was that asked me over and over what happened to my face and hands had heard that tale too many times before. I stayed in the office at school for the better part of that day. She took pictures of my face and hands, and asked me continously what happened. Understanding now that my parents were in trouble, I made an even bigger attempt to stick to the story that my mom had told me to tell. But the teacher didnt help the situation. She told the picture lady how I had come to school with black eyes before, and that only helped confirm the truth that the lady was trying to get out of me. The end of the day came and I went home on the school bus as usual. Being naive to the way the child abuse laws worked at the time, I thought everything was said and done, considering they let me go home on the bus and all.
It was an after school ritual to call my mom at work no sooner I set foot in the door. I was very precocious for my age, so my parents saw it unnecessary to put me in daycare unless it was a night my mom was working past six. That afternoon, no sooner my mom got on the line, she started spewing out endless questions. 'did you tell people what i told you to say this morning?' 'why did some lady call my job and ask me if i abuse my children?' and so on and so forth. I didnt get the chance to answer anything before she told me she had to go and that we would talk when she got home. Scared that I was going to catch another beating, I went to sleep. To this day, I use sleeping as a means of escaping from the world for a little while.
My mom had barely closed the back door behind her before there was a knock at the front door. She yelled a whispered order to get into the closet that connected her room to mine and to keep quiet. The next thing I heard was my mother pleading to not take her little boy. 'You cant put me in handcuffs, I am holding my six month old son. You're not taking him anywhere, no.' It was seconds later that I was found. I dont remember seeing her or her saying anything to me. The next thing I remember is standing in front of a big, black women, smelling like potpurri and bread.
For one year, I lived in two different households. For one year, I couldnt hug my mom. For one year, I didnt see my little brother. Out of an entire year, I saw my dad twice.
When my brother and I first came back home, things were different. For the first couple weeks, there were no arguments, no fussing, we ate dinner as a family, all that ol bullshit you see on tv that you say is so cheesy but simultaneously a small part of you wishes your family did that. But it didnt last long. dad fell back into his old ways quick and hit mom over an argument, and as much as I had thought things were different, I immediately saw they werent. And it never went back.
When he finally came around to putting his hands on me again, I could tell he controlled himself about it. And the control he held only lasted for so long. When he took out anger on my face, (on more than one occasion) he got smarter about it, and just kept me home from school. Specific words, 'You cant get my son taken from me again if they cant see the scars and you cant run your mouth about it.'
They blamed me for the heartache they went through, as if it wasnt hard on me too. And they continue to blame me for the inequities the deal with. It's my fault the youngest was born premature, in conjunction with the arguments my dad held with my mom during her most crucial carrying point. It's my fault they robbed me of the money that I sweated for.
I feel like life would be easier if they would own up to what they've done. I can forgive them for beating me to the point that it was unable to be hidden. I can forgive them for the punishments, the so-called lessons that kept me from enjoying a huge chunk of my youth. All that I can put aside, because I think that's what makes me who I am. But I cant forgive them for robbing me, and turning the tables to make it seem as though I made them committ that act. I'm not sure if I can ever go back to that house. At least, not now.
'care for me, care for me
i know you care for me
there for me, there for me
said you'd be there for me
cry for me, cry for me
said you would die for me
give to me, give to me
why won't you live for me
....where were you when i needed you'
I grew up in their eyes, into what I thought was a paradigm of what a child should become. There's not much I dont know how to do or cant figure out. I'm respectful, caring....everything they molded me to be.
It was tough being raised by them. dad was physically and mentally abusive. both mom and I were susceptible to the onslaught of name-calling, humiliation, and punches.
There were plenty of times that i couldnt look my mom in the face because it was a constant reminder of what could (and sometimes did) happen to me. I would lie to the school officials about whatever black-eyes and bruises I had to wear after not keeping my room to standard or whatever the case may have been.
I remember one time in particular...I was seven and small and rowdy. I was prone to getting hungry in between meals. So before dinner I made myself a sandwich, using the last of the bread. At dinner dad wanted a slice to go with whatever it was we were eating. Seeing there was no more, he asked who ate the last....unknowing that my answer would lead to such great consequences, I fessed up. Infuriated, he banished me from the kitchen unless given permission by either him or my mom.
My little brother was six months old. My parents had just bought him a little walker that had little noisey, colored gadgets attached. I heard them making a fuss over his attraction to the rattle, the way his feet were making the walking mechanism of the mobile move, and I wanted to join on the laughter. I didnt think anything of going into the kitchen.
Silence fell quick when I perched myself next to the walker and began shaking the rattle in my brother's face. It took me a minute to detect that not everyone was enjoying the moment like they were before my arrival. I look up, and dad's face read death to me. My mom had her back turned away from me, her usual response to whenever I was about to get some sort of punishment from him. He asked me who allowed me to come into the kitchen. That's when it clicked in my head that I was in some serious shit, for real. When I didnt answer he told me to go to my room and 'drop 'em' , the way he always did. And just like I always did, I cried the whole way to my room and the entire time I waited for my fate. What seemed like an eternity later, he came in and let out every ounce of anger on my backside. and my hands. and my face.
He worked at a tobacco plant at the time and left before I went to school. I woke up and got dressed as usual, sore but not really noticing how badly I had beaten. It was something I always managed to block out of my head without trying, even as I got older. But mom noticed it all. Before I got on the bus that morning, I had memorized a lie to tell everyone that she had conjured up. I could say it forwards and backwards, and she asked me all the questions that any outsider would ask, and I answered them perfectly using the lie, and with no hesitation.
But whoever that lady was that asked me over and over what happened to my face and hands had heard that tale too many times before. I stayed in the office at school for the better part of that day. She took pictures of my face and hands, and asked me continously what happened. Understanding now that my parents were in trouble, I made an even bigger attempt to stick to the story that my mom had told me to tell. But the teacher didnt help the situation. She told the picture lady how I had come to school with black eyes before, and that only helped confirm the truth that the lady was trying to get out of me. The end of the day came and I went home on the school bus as usual. Being naive to the way the child abuse laws worked at the time, I thought everything was said and done, considering they let me go home on the bus and all.
It was an after school ritual to call my mom at work no sooner I set foot in the door. I was very precocious for my age, so my parents saw it unnecessary to put me in daycare unless it was a night my mom was working past six. That afternoon, no sooner my mom got on the line, she started spewing out endless questions. 'did you tell people what i told you to say this morning?' 'why did some lady call my job and ask me if i abuse my children?' and so on and so forth. I didnt get the chance to answer anything before she told me she had to go and that we would talk when she got home. Scared that I was going to catch another beating, I went to sleep. To this day, I use sleeping as a means of escaping from the world for a little while.
My mom had barely closed the back door behind her before there was a knock at the front door. She yelled a whispered order to get into the closet that connected her room to mine and to keep quiet. The next thing I heard was my mother pleading to not take her little boy. 'You cant put me in handcuffs, I am holding my six month old son. You're not taking him anywhere, no.' It was seconds later that I was found. I dont remember seeing her or her saying anything to me. The next thing I remember is standing in front of a big, black women, smelling like potpurri and bread.
For one year, I lived in two different households. For one year, I couldnt hug my mom. For one year, I didnt see my little brother. Out of an entire year, I saw my dad twice.
When my brother and I first came back home, things were different. For the first couple weeks, there were no arguments, no fussing, we ate dinner as a family, all that ol bullshit you see on tv that you say is so cheesy but simultaneously a small part of you wishes your family did that. But it didnt last long. dad fell back into his old ways quick and hit mom over an argument, and as much as I had thought things were different, I immediately saw they werent. And it never went back.
When he finally came around to putting his hands on me again, I could tell he controlled himself about it. And the control he held only lasted for so long. When he took out anger on my face, (on more than one occasion) he got smarter about it, and just kept me home from school. Specific words, 'You cant get my son taken from me again if they cant see the scars and you cant run your mouth about it.'
They blamed me for the heartache they went through, as if it wasnt hard on me too. And they continue to blame me for the inequities the deal with. It's my fault the youngest was born premature, in conjunction with the arguments my dad held with my mom during her most crucial carrying point. It's my fault they robbed me of the money that I sweated for.
I feel like life would be easier if they would own up to what they've done. I can forgive them for beating me to the point that it was unable to be hidden. I can forgive them for the punishments, the so-called lessons that kept me from enjoying a huge chunk of my youth. All that I can put aside, because I think that's what makes me who I am. But I cant forgive them for robbing me, and turning the tables to make it seem as though I made them committ that act. I'm not sure if I can ever go back to that house. At least, not now.
'care for me, care for me
i know you care for me
there for me, there for me
said you'd be there for me
cry for me, cry for me
said you would die for me
give to me, give to me
why won't you live for me
....where were you when i needed you'
Saturday, January 12, 2008
LSU vs Ohio State
I always toyed with the idea of....us.
I was hungry so we walked to the chicken joint. Lines were practically out of the door because the game was starting within the hour and everybody wanted a good seat near the big screen. We were going to stay but due to the lack of chairs, we opted to go back and watch in the study.
Within the last couple months, I had really gotten into college football. I couldn't tell you a whole lot, but I knew enough to hold decent conversation. Didn't have a favorite team, but I could give you stats on Michigan State, Texas, Virginia Tech, etc.
They're eyes inquired. I assumed most of them werent used to having a female in their presence, nonetheless an attractive one(shameless ego-booster=D) so they all questioned what he had to do or say to get me there with him. If they knew that all he did was wake up in the morning, they would've never believed it. Some things are better left unsaid anyway.
His room was what I imagined it to be. Halftime rolled around and the girls had already called me so I asked him to walk me back.
He saw instantly how crammed we were. He offered up the roommate's bed, who hadnt returned yet from break. Silence. I took up the offer. Though I can sleep in damn near any condition, a bed is ALWAYS better than the floor, and since no one else spoke....I had no idea anything was going to happen. As I said, I toyed with the idea, but had already made up my mind that he wasnt in the least interested in me.
The game ended. LSU won as he assumed they would. A little myspace, a little facebook. I could feel the tension, but just thought it was within my own head because, as I said, I thought he took no interest in me.
Stranger Than Fiction. I never saw it. His favorite movie. I dont think it was supposed to be that short.=)
We both didnt want to at first, but we did. He came on top of me and kissed me slowly, as if to ensure he didnt miss. Once.Twice.
Throughout the entire time, we did a lot of talking. Well, joking. I've never laughed so much during such a pleasurable time. It's that which makes me question if things won't turn into something more. But I dont know what he wants. I'm not asking for a relationship, no. Just more.And with him.
I was hungry so we walked to the chicken joint. Lines were practically out of the door because the game was starting within the hour and everybody wanted a good seat near the big screen. We were going to stay but due to the lack of chairs, we opted to go back and watch in the study.
Within the last couple months, I had really gotten into college football. I couldn't tell you a whole lot, but I knew enough to hold decent conversation. Didn't have a favorite team, but I could give you stats on Michigan State, Texas, Virginia Tech, etc.
They're eyes inquired. I assumed most of them werent used to having a female in their presence, nonetheless an attractive one(shameless ego-booster=D) so they all questioned what he had to do or say to get me there with him. If they knew that all he did was wake up in the morning, they would've never believed it. Some things are better left unsaid anyway.
His room was what I imagined it to be. Halftime rolled around and the girls had already called me so I asked him to walk me back.
He saw instantly how crammed we were. He offered up the roommate's bed, who hadnt returned yet from break. Silence. I took up the offer. Though I can sleep in damn near any condition, a bed is ALWAYS better than the floor, and since no one else spoke....I had no idea anything was going to happen. As I said, I toyed with the idea, but had already made up my mind that he wasnt in the least interested in me.
The game ended. LSU won as he assumed they would. A little myspace, a little facebook. I could feel the tension, but just thought it was within my own head because, as I said, I thought he took no interest in me.
Stranger Than Fiction. I never saw it. His favorite movie. I dont think it was supposed to be that short.=)
We both didnt want to at first, but we did. He came on top of me and kissed me slowly, as if to ensure he didnt miss. Once.Twice.
Throughout the entire time, we did a lot of talking. Well, joking. I've never laughed so much during such a pleasurable time. It's that which makes me question if things won't turn into something more. But I dont know what he wants. I'm not asking for a relationship, no. Just more.And with him.
r.b.
So...
I knew from the moment he started spewing his heart out that I didn't want the same thing. He began by talking about how I was the first person he wanted to talk to in the morning and the last thing he thought about at night.
Most people would think that girls are the more fragile counterpart in a relationship, and in most cases, that would be correct. I should've been smitten by the words that he said, completely swoon over the fact that someone finally loves me enough to make me their one and only. But I wasn't. Not in the least bit.
I did a lot of lying. I told him that all I needed was time, when I knew that even with all the time in the world my feelings weren't going to change. I told him I was down for having a whole bunch of little Bankses running around when I made up my mind a long time ago that I never wanted a lot of kids. I told him that I could love him. Damn.
Now I dont have a problem with saying what's on my mind when a person is standing in front of my face. But in the matters of heart, it's different. So, to make a long story short, while we were there partying, I acted one way but knew my heart felt differently. I just couldn't muster the confidence to tell him while he was in front of my face. He was so happy. I doubt I've ever made anyone that happy.
He wanted me to save him. He never came right out and said so, it was a subliminal thing. He gave me the hints of his past that let me know he needed love as a cure. I'm no Doctor Quinn nor Superman.
He asked me what my problem was. I wanted to tell him that I wasnt the one with the problem, it was him, expecting so much within such a small amount of time. But I told him the same thing that I had said before, I just needed time. Time I felt like he wasnt allowing. He asked me if there was someone else. Well, I'm not going to lie. Technically, there wasnt. But nor was he the only one. I could detect the sound of tears.
Text messages are like chicken-shit voicemails. If you have something you want to tell someone, something critical, and you leave a text message, you should re-evaluate whatever it is you're standing for there. His text:
'Look ur not ready for someone like me so im going to walk away from this im not trying to wait on someone who doesn't know waht they want u can have yo tags bac'
& I laughed upon reading it.
Cold-hearted? No. He never wanted me.
He thought he did. He didnt.
When you care for someone as much as he supposedly cared for me, if you LOVE someone, you first of all, dont rush into everything. You let them go with the option of coming back once they've realized the greatness that you can offer. And you dont send text messages.
I knew from the moment he started spewing his heart out that I didn't want the same thing. He began by talking about how I was the first person he wanted to talk to in the morning and the last thing he thought about at night.
Most people would think that girls are the more fragile counterpart in a relationship, and in most cases, that would be correct. I should've been smitten by the words that he said, completely swoon over the fact that someone finally loves me enough to make me their one and only. But I wasn't. Not in the least bit.
I did a lot of lying. I told him that all I needed was time, when I knew that even with all the time in the world my feelings weren't going to change. I told him I was down for having a whole bunch of little Bankses running around when I made up my mind a long time ago that I never wanted a lot of kids. I told him that I could love him. Damn.
Now I dont have a problem with saying what's on my mind when a person is standing in front of my face. But in the matters of heart, it's different. So, to make a long story short, while we were there partying, I acted one way but knew my heart felt differently. I just couldn't muster the confidence to tell him while he was in front of my face. He was so happy. I doubt I've ever made anyone that happy.
He wanted me to save him. He never came right out and said so, it was a subliminal thing. He gave me the hints of his past that let me know he needed love as a cure. I'm no Doctor Quinn nor Superman.
He asked me what my problem was. I wanted to tell him that I wasnt the one with the problem, it was him, expecting so much within such a small amount of time. But I told him the same thing that I had said before, I just needed time. Time I felt like he wasnt allowing. He asked me if there was someone else. Well, I'm not going to lie. Technically, there wasnt. But nor was he the only one. I could detect the sound of tears.
Text messages are like chicken-shit voicemails. If you have something you want to tell someone, something critical, and you leave a text message, you should re-evaluate whatever it is you're standing for there. His text:
'Look ur not ready for someone like me so im going to walk away from this im not trying to wait on someone who doesn't know waht they want u can have yo tags bac'
& I laughed upon reading it.
Cold-hearted? No. He never wanted me.
He thought he did. He didnt.
When you care for someone as much as he supposedly cared for me, if you LOVE someone, you first of all, dont rush into everything. You let them go with the option of coming back once they've realized the greatness that you can offer. And you dont send text messages.
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